ROCHESTER, Minn. — Confirming what many have long held to be true, a study conducted by researchers at the Mayo Clinic found that the energy gel in your pocket is nothing more than a placebo: a sugar pill in gel form.
As part of the study, a dozen male runners from the key demographic of ages 18-34 ran two half marathons back to back: the first without energy gels and the second with gels. All 12 runners ran faster in the first half marathon gel-less, with the majority unable to finish the subsequent second attempt, which, taken together with the first, would have constituted their first-ever marathon.
Finding they offer no nutritional value of any kind and possess a “disturbingly artificial” taste, the research team concluded the greatest benefit the inert substance offers is the false confidence instilled in severely undertrained racers.
“After testing some of these flavors, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that gels are merely a sham supplement,” said lead researcher Dr. Hans Dokonal, grimacing while struggling to swallow a jalapeño-java flavored gel. “Frankly, it’s remarkable the sickeningly sweet taste didn’t give it away sooner. Runners are far better off not fueling at all.”
At press time, the research team was preparing to release a follow up report identifying energy gels as the leading cause of diabetes in the United States.
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