BOSTON — After being left off Nike’s Newbury Street storefront sign reading “Runners Welcome. Walkers Tolerated.” cyclists worldwide are calling on the company to include the underrepresented group with a simple addition: “Cyclists Acknowledged.”
Posted ahead of the Boston Marathon, the sign is just the latest in a series of Nike marketing efforts designed to alienate athletes the company has yet to figure out how to profit from.
Nike issued a statement addressing the online backlash:
“We value bicyclists as much as the next global entity, but despite how prominent our brand is, we simply cannot be all things to all people, especially non-elite people. Especially those who insist on exercising on two wheels rather than two feet.
Greatness is a choice, not an outcome, and we boldly dare all athletes to step forward with courage, trust in their own potential, and discover the greatness that unfolds the moment they choose to begin running and never stop moving forward at an elevated pace.”
At press time, Nike was preparing to issue an apology for omitting swimmers entirely.
- Runner’s World Confirms Shoe Stack Height the New “Penis Size”
- 4/20 Casts Cloud Over Boston Marathon; Spectators Oddly Chill, Runners Compromised
- Guy Unsure When, Why, or How He Became a Runner
- Ted Dreads Honeymoon Abroad — “Where the Hell Will I Run?”
- Amid Batshit Prices, Runners Resort to Renting Shoes
- Teresa Never Experiences Runner’s High with Boyfriend, Continues Faking It
- Boston Marathon Renames Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill”
- Company Confuses ‘Biannual,’ Locks Itself Into Double the Shoe Updates
- Mattel Bows to Trump’s Demands With Homoerotic Runner Ken Doll
- Goldendoodle “Winston” Burned Out from Marathon Training
- Reviews Are In: Kids Running Movie Can’t Go the Distance
- Report: “The Yips” Afflicting Runners at Alarming Rate
- Brock Furious He Must Finish Current Step Before Taking Next Step
- Healed Injury Refuses to Quit Being Mitch’s Excuse Not to Run
- Dos Equis Introduces the “Most Interesting Runner in the World”
- UCAN Sponsors Male Runner After Demonstrating “Elite Virility” in Impregnating Wife
- Kevin Refuses to Go Down on Wife During Marathon Training
- Runner Clearly Only Stopped In Café To Use Restroom, Pretends Otherwise
- New Balance Unveils the ‘OUT-AND-BACK,’ Finally Offering Alternative to the ‘TRACK’
- Courageous Runner Tempts Fate By Wearing Two Left (L) Socks
- Report: Straight White Male Runner Not Center of Universe
- Runner Does Same Route in Same Shoes—Refuses to Do Missionary
- Diehard Vegan Unknowingly Commits Insect Genocide on Every Run
- Researchers Determine Heel Pull Tabs Serve No Purpose
- “It’s a Wonderful Run” Shows It’s a Miserable Life Without Running
- Game Over: Kyle Convinced Bullpen Entrance Song Gives Him Edge in Race
- Tracksmith Sells Singlet for “Losers” Failing to Qualify for Boston
- Running Influencer Shills Self-Confidence Not to Follow Him
- D.A.R.E. Out: Schools Use Runner’s High as Drug-Free Strategy
- Boston Qualifiers Alarmed by Growing Trend of Charity Runners “Helping Other People”
- ESPN Cancels Ill-Advised “First Take” Running Spinoff Show
- Road Runner Transitions to Trail Runner—Not Everyone Is an Ally
- Creep “Flirts” with Crush Solely Using Strava
- Luis Swears He’ll Run Tomorrow—Same Lie as Yesterday
- Archaeologists Unearth Prehistoric Running Shoe Circa 2019
- Psychopath Runs In Total Silence, Waves Like It’s Normal
- Saucony Swaps Insensitive ‘Hurricane’ Shoe Name for ‘Earthquake’
- Boston Marathon Bans Porta-Potties, Requires Runners to Carry Own Waste
- LA Marathon Scraps Finisher Medals for Starter Participation Trophies
- World Athletics Adopts ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ Course for Road Running Championships
- After F1: Drive to Survive Success, Netflix Orders 6 Seasons of “Run to Have Fun”
- Company Scraps Carbon Neutral Commitment; Will Emit More CO2
- Derek Calls Night Runs ‘Relaxing,’ Mystified by Concept of Women’s Safety
- Researchers Determine Men’s Marathon Record More Impressive Than Cure for Cancer
- Cyclists Demand Inclusion in Nike Ad That Acknowledges Everyone Except Them
- FanDuel Lets You Bet on Amateur Runners—Even Your Daughter
- CEO Admits New Running Shoe “Ass”: “We’ve Made it Worse”
- Gregory Desperately Trying to Outrun “The Runs” Mid-Run
- Amateur Runner Self-Imposes 5-Year Ban After Admitting to Creatine Use
- Nike and 41-Year-Old Kipchoge Aim to Shave Entire Hour off Marathon Record
- Gel Brand Drops Marathoner After Pregnancy Deemed Incompatible With Peak Performance
- Boston’s Top American Talbi Reveals He Wore Glasses to Avoid Detection as Contender
- Running Influencer Calls for Inclusive Sport That Excludes Pros
- Running Warehouse Shutters Operations Following Departure of Its Heart and Soul
- Saucony Partners with Duolingo to Educate Runners on ‘Saucony’ Pronunciation
- JD Vance Unveils “F*ck a Couch to 5K” Plan
