BOSTON — After being left off Nike’s Newbury Street storefront sign reading “Runners Welcome. Walkers Tolerated.” cyclists worldwide are calling on the company to include the underrepresented group with a simple addition: “Cyclists Acknowledged.”
Posted ahead of the Boston Marathon, the sign is just the latest in a series of Nike marketing efforts designed to alienate athletes the company has yet to figure out how to profit from.
Nike issued a statement addressing the online backlash:
“We value bicyclists as much as the next global entity, but despite how prominent our brand is, we simply cannot be all things to all people, especially non-elite people. Especially those who insist on exercising on two wheels rather than two feet.
Greatness is a choice, not an outcome, and we boldly dare all athletes to step forward with courage, trust in their own potential, and discover the greatness that unfolds the moment they choose to begin running and never stop moving forward at an elevated pace.”
At press time, Nike was preparing to issue an apology for omitting swimmers entirely.
- Runner Does Same Route in Same Shoes—Refuses to Do Missionary
- Boston Qualifiers Alarmed by Growing Trend of Charity Runners “Helping Other People”
- ESPN Cancels Ill-Advised “First Take” Running Spinoff Show
- After F1: Drive to Survive Success, Netflix Orders 6 Seasons of “Run to Have Fun”
- Dos Equis Introduces the “Most Interesting Runner in the World”
- Running Influencer Calls for Inclusive Sport That Excludes Pros
- Tracksmith and rabbit Unveil Shared Tortoise Logo to Differentiate Brands
- Gel Brand Drops Marathoner After Pregnancy Deemed Incompatible With Peak Performance
- Reviews Are In: Kids Running Movie Can’t Go the Distance
- Study Finds Energy Gels Provide No Nutritional Value, Entirely Placebo
- Mattel Bows to Trump’s Demands With Homoerotic Runner Ken Doll
- Guy Unsure When, Why, or How He Became a Runner
- Boston Marathon Renames Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill”
- Report: “The Yips” Afflicting Runners at Alarming Rate
- Derek Calls Night Runs ‘Relaxing,’ Mystified by Concept of Women’s Safety
- Boston Marathon Bans Porta-Potties, Requires Runners to Carry Own Waste
- Amid Batshit Prices, Runners Resort to Renting Shoes
- D.A.R.E. Out: Schools Use Runner’s High as Drug-Free Strategy
- Gregory Desperately Trying to Outrun “The Runs” Mid-Run
- JD Vance Unveils “F*ck a Couch to 5K” Plan
- Psychopath Runs In Total Silence, Waves Like It’s Normal
- World Athletics Adopts ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ Course for Road Running Championships
- Kevin Refuses to Go Down on Wife During Marathon Training
- Creep “Flirts” with Crush Solely Using Strava
- “It’s a Wonderful Run” Shows It’s a Miserable Life Without Running
- Goldendoodle “Winston” Burned Out from Marathon Training
- Diehard Vegan Unknowingly Commits Insect Genocide on Every Run
- Running Warehouse Shutters Operations Following Departure of Its Heart and Soul
- Teresa Never Experiences Runner’s High with Boyfriend, Continues Faking It
- Runner Finally Comfortable Enough to Drop from 10- to 9-Inch Inseam
- Ted Dreads Honeymoon Abroad — “Where the Hell Will I Run?”
- Luis Swears He’ll Run Tomorrow—Same Lie as Yesterday
- Runner Clearly Only Stopped In Café To Use Restroom, Pretends Otherwise
- Courageous Runner Tempts Fate By Wearing Two Left (L) Socks
- Running Influencer Shills Self-Confidence Not to Follow Him
- Road Runner Transitions to Trail Runner—Not Everyone Is an Ally
- Report: Straight White Male Runner Not Center of Universe
- FanDuel Lets You Bet on Amateur Runners—Even Your Daughter
- NYRR Replaces Road Races with Trail Races; Unveils 19+1 Program
- Runner’s World Confirms Shoe Stack Height the New “Penis Size”
- Company Scraps Carbon Neutral Commitment; Will Emit More CO2
- Researchers Determine Heel Pull Tabs Serve No Purpose
- Report: ‘Pain Cave’ More Closely Resembles ‘Pain Cavern’
- 4/20 Casts Cloud Over Boston Marathon; Spectators Oddly Chill, Runners Compromised
- Boston’s Top American Talbi Reveals He Wore Glasses to Avoid Detection as Contender
- Game Over: Kyle Convinced Bullpen Entrance Song Gives Him Edge in Race
- CEO Admits New Running Shoe “Ass”: “We’ve Made it Worse”
- Method Runner Refuses to Break Character When Not Running
- UCAN Sponsors Male Runner After Demonstrating “Elite Virility” in Impregnating Wife
- New Balance Unveils the ‘OUT-AND-BACK,’ Finally Offering Alternative to the ‘TRACK’
- LA Marathon Scraps Finisher Medals for Starter Participation Trophies
- Researchers Determine Men’s Marathon Record More Impressive Than Cure for Cancer
- Nike and 41-Year-Old Kipchoge Aim to Shave Entire Hour off Marathon Record
- Amateur Runner Self-Imposes 5-Year Ban After Admitting to Creatine Use
- Brock Furious He Must Finish Current Step Before Taking Next Step
- Tracksmith Sells Singlet for “Losers” Failing to Qualify for Boston
- Healed Injury Refuses to Quit Being Mitch’s Excuse Not to Run
- Cyclists Demand Inclusion in Nike Ad That Acknowledges Everyone Except Them
- Archaeologists Unearth Prehistoric Running Shoe Circa 2019
- Company Confuses ‘Biannual,’ Locks Itself Into Double the Shoe Updates
