Creep “Flirts” with Crush Solely Using Strava

Despite sharing the same local running club, Vincent “Big Cheese” Feredoni is pursuing his crush Emma entirely through Strava — armed with a lethal triple threat of kudos, comments, and strategic workouts.

Strava is the largest sports community in the world that connects more than 100 million users through activities. Although it’s not a dating app, Vincent firmly believes Strava holds the key to unlocking his involuntary, figurative chastity belt.

Vincent confuses Strava’s tagline of “make your move” for the idea of putting himself “out there”, i.e. leaving his comfort zone to “shoot his shot.”

The only problem? He’s far too much of a bed-wetting coward to approach Emma during either of the run club’s twice-weekly meetups. So, he keeps himself “in there” — running solo, hovering ominously behind Emma, with a grand view of her behind.

Rather than face-to-face on a group run, Vincent prefers making his move via a phone on his parents’ plan — from the safety of their basement, after devouring a hearty Italian meal his mamma prepared.

Unromantic gestures

Like creepy clockwork, Vincent always gives Emma kudos within 15 minutes of her workout post. Not an activity has gone by without Vincent tapping Emma’s thumbs-up icon, turning it bright orange as he blushes beet-red in arousal. Though he’d much rather “tap dat ass”, as Vincent mutters to himself.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but Vincent knows a Strava photo is worth at least twice that, and that’s a whopping 2K more words than he’s ever spoken to Emma. Hence his endless activity photo dumps, all meant to impress her — conveniently ignoring the fact she doesn’t even follow him on Strava. Hey, a guy can dream — usually much bigger, but Vincent is a simple man-child.

The vast majority of Vincent’s nearly identical photos are not Strava-worthy, anyway. Jesus, they’re not even iPhone-5-camera-roll-worthy. And his shirtless pics are certainly not the thirst trap he mistakes them for; his two begrudging female followers get even drier at the sight of his curly red-haired chest and acne-ridden torso. There’s always at least one pimple lurking somewhere on his haunted house of a body.

He leaves comments early and often under Emma’s workouts, ranging from “You killed it Emma!” to “Way to go Emma!” to even a bicep flex emoji…or three.

But Vincent quickly turns passive aggressive when Emma doesn’t show up to a running club run. He’ll flat-out refuse to give her kudos for like…a whole week straight—not that she notices. Of course, Vincent inevitably goes back and gives her kudos, even if it’s weeks later.

Strategy

Vincent explains to friends his master plan to woo Emma:

“Guys, you just don’t get it. I’m playing the long game, and with enough long runs logged on Strava, I just might win her over with my persistence—in miles and messages.

If I know Emma like I envision I someday might, I’m betting her love language is words of affirmation, and what better way to affirm my undying love for her than by posting encouraging comments below each and every one of her Strava activities?

Although I’m intently watching her every stride from afar now, pretty soon I’ll be running right with her, stride-by-stride. And if I play my kudos right, who knows? Maybe one day we’ll walk side-by-side down the wedding aisle. I could totally see myself growing old with her — sitting by her deathbed as she slowly perishes, wheezing-breath-by-wheezing-breath.”

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