Runner Does Same Route in Same Shoes—Refuses to Do Missionary

Runner Craig Andreason — who always does the same flat, uneventful 4-mile route in the same all-black Brooks Adrenaline GTS — reportedly refuses to have sex in the missionary position with his wife Judith.

Craig’s so-called “run or die” route is the kind of soul-crushing loop that makes the sweet release of death seem like the better option. There is a grand total of zero feet of elevation gain…or decline. No scenic views—or any views. Permanent construction walls obstruct his vision on either side. And not a single trace of what could even be mistaken for a road shoulder. Worse yet, the jarring racket of traffic provides an unrelenting, insufferable symphony on the dilapidated town’s busiest street.

Yet, somehow, quite improbably, Craig hasn’t grown weary of running the same route at the same pace, preparing for the same annual race in the same shorts, top, socks, hat atop his head, the same shit-eating grin across his face, and listening to the same shitty running playlist of the same shitty yacht rock songs.

But while Craig is a creature of habit in the streets, he becomes an absolute freak in the sheets…and the shower, hot tub, on the couch, etc.

You see, Craig is narrow-minded when it comes to running, but he sees the world from a variety of perspectives in the bedroom—from his bad back, standing up, kneeling, laying on his side, you name it. (Except his stomach.)

Craig wouldn’t be caught dead running his one and only godforsaken loop in reverse. Yet, there’s nothing on God’s green earth he craves more than risking asphyxiation as Judith chokes him in reverse cowgirl. She’s quite flexible!

He never runs with anyone, not even his dog. Craig much prefers cosplaying as one in a rousing session of rabid doggy style. Can you say, “Who let the dogs out?!”

Craig couldn’t care less about trying a max cushion shoe—Judith provides all the cushion for the pushin’ he needs when penetrating from behind.

He won’t drop $300 on a carbon plated pair, but Craig happily shelled out thousands for the silicone shells nestled within Judith’s pair of hooters.

You’d think someone so “anal” about their running routine would dabble in a little “backdoor business”— and you’d be correct. Craig regularly ventures to where “the sun don’t shine” with extraordinary dedication.

The high frequency with which Craig and Judith bump uglies only makes Craig’s missionary snub much more mystifying. He completes five (identical) runs a week—10 fewer than the 15 times he makes sweet, sweet, whoopee with Judith, never twice in the same position. Also, Craig feverishly masturbates several times a week, for good measure.

Statement

Craig explains his hatred of missionary:

“It’s so predictable. So safe. Missionary is the opposite of the spice of life; it’s the soggy Saltine cracker of existence. If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my time on earth, it’s the value of taking chances and trying new things.

Ironically, I’m not even an ass guy. Give me bodacious bosoms over a bountiful badonkadonk any day of the week and twice on Sundays—which, coincidentally, is the rate Judith and I fornicate that day.

I just feel it’s extremely sacrilegious to utilize the missionary position. I’m an atheist and I’ve never even stepped foot inside a house of worship. But while I use the Bible strictly as a drink coaster, I’m a total book worm for the Kama Sutra.”

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