BOSTON — The city’s overall atmosphere was noticeably relaxed at the 130th Boston Marathon, the result of Patriots’ Day coinciding with another prominent date: 4/20, better known as marijuana culture’s holiday, leaving many spectators unusually content to watch as if they were on the couch at home.
According to sober eyewitnesses, crowds traded in waving signs and shaking cowbells for quietly munching on snacks, with long, unfocused stares replacing the usual cheering from Hopkinton all the way to the finish on Boylston Street.
Citing compromised form, red, glazed eyes, and an overall lack of urgency to finish, observers confirmed many of the 30,000-plus runners, professional and amateur alike, appeared to be under the influence as well.
A spokesperson for the Boston Athletic Association lamented, “It truly is a shame the 130th running was tarnished by a sophomoric holiday established by sedentary underachievers. Much like the haze of cannabis smoke, 4/20 cast a large cloud over what is supposed to be running’s greatest day. Frankly, we are disturbed by the number of stoners who comprise the global running community.
It was never expected that marijuana, not performance enhancers, would emerge as the most harmful drug to the integrity of the Boston Marathon. Rest assured, a strict zero-tolerance policy for marijuana will be implemented immediately, including mandatory testing for all runners and spectators.”
At press time, the B.A.A. was preparing to announce that performance-enhancing drugs would now be allowed at the Boston Marathon, provided they are not smoked.
Original photo courtesy of Margot Murphy, Massachusetts Governor’s Press Office
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