Diehard Vegan Unknowingly Commits Insect Genocide on Every Run

A steadfast vegan for over two decades, the CEO of the Association for the Protection of Insects (API), goes on an insectivorous murderous rampage each time he runs.

If his four-decade storied career with API didn’t make it clear, Jonathan Albright is an unwavering advocate for bugs. He keeps well-maintained ant farms on his kitchen table, dresser, and nightstand that’d make Old McDonald blush. He refuses to use pest control despite a severe bed bug infestation. His most unpopular opinion? It’s a three-way tie: He finds the smell of stink bugs quite delightful, cockroaches super cute, and termites extremely helpful.

Perhaps most remarkably, he won’t remove a bloodsucking tick, choosing instead to suffer from debilitating Lyme Disease in perpetuity. The resulting neurological problems and chronic arthritis sure make running much harder, but at least he’s got a new friend attached at the hip—literally!

“The Exterminator“

Yet, the moment he starts running, he inadvertently transforms into “The Exterminator.” It appears like he’s got an unquenchable bloodlust—actually, he’s just unintentionally running into and onto insects. He’s a very different kind of “hitman.”

Think of Jonathan as a modern-day Michael Myers, artfully utilizing a mix of methods to kill his entomological victims. But instead of a hammer, scissors, and knife, Jonathan unwittingly uses his body parts. Pretty twisted, right?

It’s almost like Jonathan knows exactly how to lead critters into his running path of destruction. He possesses a distinct “old man” smell that attracts bugs of all varieties. The scent is concocted from a natural chemical cocktail of odors emanating from his wrinkly, sweaty skin. A fatal combination of carbon dioxide plus two chemicals, 2-ketoglutaric and lactic acid.

Research shows mosquitoes are drawn to red, orange, black, and cyan—aka Jonathan’s entire wardrobe. You could say he’s “dressed to kill.”

He shows no mercy to even the most vulnerable. He unconsciously stomps on minuscule ants with each heel-to-toe strike. Crushes road-camouflaged beetles under the immense weight of his size 13 shoes—and 205+ pound frame. And punches and elbows gnats and flies dead with every violent arm swing. Some creatures he’ll swallow whole without even chewing—dead-eyed, grinning ear to ear.

This deadly unpaid assassin even goes so far as to ingest gnats through his corneas! But Jonathan’s such a cold-blooded killer, he doesn’t even need to see his victims—just one wipe of his sweaty brow wipes out a whole civilization of invisible face mites.

His bug body count keeps stacking up, and there are no signs of Jonathan stopping his unpremeditated killing spree any time soon. If only he was aware of the horrific annihilation he causes for 45-55 minutes, four-to-five days a week. Not to mention the countless insects that meet an unfortunate end on his windshield.