An in-depth, nearly week-long investigation by a task force of male researchers at several prominent think tanks determined that the sub-2-hour men’s world marathon record set at the London Marathon is more impressive than a cure for cancer.
The research team arrived at their conclusion based on the finding that only the male species has run a marathon in under two hours, in tandem with the fact that running a marathon with a finish time starting with “1” objectively looks cool.
Citing a thorough analysis of Instagram comment sections filled with sub-3 marathoners, focus groups of men who own carbon plated shoes, several trending threads on the LetsRun.com message board, and a number of self-serious think pieces, the researchers overwhelmingly ascertained that Kenyan marathoner Sebastian Sawe is the closest thing to the second coming of Jesus Christ.
The lead researcher commented on the findings:
“Once we truly immersed ourselves in the data, it became clear almost immediately that setting a world record in the sport of men’s running lies on a far greater plane of existence than curing what is ultimately a temporary illness. Cancer is fleeting, but a world record lasts forever in the books. This is truly many small steps for man, one giant leap for mankind.”
At press time, the research team was preparing to nominate Sawe for the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine.
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