Healed Injury Refuses to Quit Being Mitch’s Excuse Not to Run

What started as a somewhat legitimate injury for Mitch Hollins has quickly devolved into quite the illegitimate excuse not to run, possibly ever again.

Medically cleared to resume all activities just two days after a very minor ankle sprain, Mitch still insists on using crutches and a cast — both wildly unnecessary Amazon purchases. Medical professionals confirmed his ego was far more bruised when he stumbled missing the curb ogling a woman in yoga pants approximately half his age. Meanwhile, he told wife Tracy he “shattered” his ankle running.

In what he secretly describes as a “happy accident”, Mitch’s found life is much better when Tracy waits on him hand and foot. He was never that big into running (or any physical activity), anyway.

He’s learned a very important lesson: with great injury comes absolutely no responsibility…to anyone or anything. Now he can rest comfortably on the couch and excuse himself of yard work, household chores, and any other commitments prior to the slight ankle inconvenience.

Mitch was overheard defending his decision to remain injured to a buddy.

“I don’t know. Like, frankly, it just seems like it’d be like a shit ton of work to get back into the sport. And, like, to what end? If it was something easier, like, pickleball or cycling, sure, I could see it. But running? Nah. Plus, I’d prolly have to do like a buncha physical therapy and shit before I try to run again. Besides, I’m like, almost 42. I don’t have that much longer to go.”

With seemingly no desire to do anything for two months and counting, it remains to be seen how long Mitch manages to keep up this charade. It’ll be fascinating to watch what catches up to him first: wife Tracy or karma.