Appearing visibly agonized and sweating profusely upon entrance, it quickly became evident that runner Zane Davenport only stopped by Java Junction Café to relieve himself of the all-consuming, unmistakable urge to take a massive dump mid-run.
Despite feigning a squint at the café wall menu’s rather large font, Zane has no intention of ordering anything. He is allegedly only 2.74 miles into what sources confirmed is a 14-mile long run.
Customers reported watching a hunched over Zane audibly groan as he yelled out random menu items, all while keeping an eye on the mom-and-pop shop’s lone, currently occupied restroom.
“Wow! This sure is some menu! Talk about the paradox of choice, am I right?! [Nnngh] Hmm, what to get, what to get…
Ooooo, ‘Salted Caramel Cappuccino Seduction!’ Now, that sounds yummy—and a bit kinky! [Nnngh]
‘Jamaican Me Crazy!’ Ha! That’s adorable! [Nnngh] Very clever, you guys! Bravo! Bravo!
OMG, ‘A Latte Love Affair!’ Hell, I’m such a sucker for lattes! [Nnngh] This place totally gets me—unlike my wife! No, I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”
After wildly mispronouncing both “cappuccino” and “latte,” there’s heavy speculation that Zane isn’t a coffee drinker. (He also butchered “Jamaican.”) And with no wedding ring in sight, it remained unclear whether he even had a wife.
“Hmm, I am a bit famished,” Zane said to no one, continuing an act no one was buying. “Do you guys got bran muffins?” he asked, interrupting a worker assisting another customer, despite nearly a dozen muffin varieties—including bran—clearly outlined on the menu. Perhaps unsurprisingly, a crumb visible at the corner of his mouth pointed to an “extra-bran” pre-run muffin he was now deeply regretting.
When the restroom door mercifully opened, Zane sprinted inside and violently slammed the door behind him. Approximately 11-and-a-half minutes later, he slowly reopened the creaking door, pretending to check his phone as he slipped out the side entrance, bumping into a young girl as he fled the scene. Café patrons reported hearing no evidence of hand washing.
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