Today, Mattel introduced a “Runner Ken” doll to settle President Trump’s frivolous lawsuit over the “feminazi” Barbie film—more than two whole years after its release.
The Ken doll comes in addition to Mattel agreeing to pay Trump $30 million to fund White House renovations, including turning the South Lawn into a mini golf course, a Mar-a-Lago style ballroom, and millions in legal fees.
Trump was furious the toy company agreed to be part of a movie that portrayed Barbie as a strong, independent, and empowered boss bitch — instead of a “subservient slut.”
Mattel is just the latest spineless company to settle an unfounded Trump lawsuit, following in the hollow footsteps of gutless cowards like Disney, Paramount Global, YouTube, Meta, and Twitter. Trump received a whopping $90 million payday from these settlements, alone.
Trump’s response
Trump took to Truth Social to share his thoughts on the film:
“Just saw Barbie movie with JD—SAD! Buncha Woke CRAP! NOT the Barbie I know and adore. Wasn’t even hot! That hag Greta EARWIG is a WITCH who oughta be burned at the stake! WHOSE WITH ME?!
Now, I tell ya, I do like that Ken. He’s a winner, isn’t he folks? There’s a guy I’d like in my cabinet, and maybe my bed too. Ha. Kidding. But Kenny’s VERY HANDSOME, just like sexy Ivanka. Extremely buff. Quite chiseled. Nothing like Vance. Reminds me of RFK Jr.’s build. Maybe a bit leaner. Less leathery. He is star! That’s why he got Oscar Nom—NOT talentless bimbo Margaret BOOBY. Chick belongs in pornos on HUGE COCK, not on big screen. Hollywood full of pedophiles! I HATE pedos! Make me SICK!”
From afar, it seems bizarre why a “Runner Ken” doll appeased Trump—he is, by all measures, the most unathletic, least fit “leader” in any country’s history. He’s likely never run in his life. But once you take a closer look at “Runner Ken”, it’s clear it has nothing to do with running and everything to do with toxic masculinity.
With just a gentle pull of his right hand, “Runner Ken” spews a rich variety of misogynistic and homophobic remarks, including:
- “Pick up the pace! What are you, on your period?!”
- “Don’t be a pussy—keep going!”
- “Bitch, you call that a long run?!”
- “Nice outfit, queer!”
- “There’s no stopping in running, you pansy!”
- “You run like a girl!”
- And dozens more
Runner Ken comes complete with:
- a pair of weathered combat boots—not running shoes—a MAGA cap, and a gold hoop earring in his left ear
- extremely skimpy pink shorts—0.5-inch inseam—displaying nearly all of the immaculate male figure (including curly pubes) as God intended
- an awfully small needle dick, just a quarter inch longer than the shorts so the tip is visible
- an assault rifle in hand and bandolier of bullets attachable to his chest—because the second amendment
- a removable lavender mesh muscle shirt that’s not one size too small, but two sizes too small
As you can see, “Runner Ken” is less of a runner and more of a dollar store G.I. Joe deeply confused about his sexuality. Customers are advised to treat Ken carefully, as he’s very fragile. Like, extremely fragile.
Since the Ken doll’s introduction in 1961, he’s been featured with nearly every sport: hockey, skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, Olympic figure skating, football, and golf, to name a few. Hell, there’s even been “Referee Ken.” Running was the one sport that alluded the underwhelming doll until this unfortunate product launch.
Mattel kowtowing to Trump is akin to the Boston Athletic Association renaming the Boston Marathon’s Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill” earlier this year.
- Method Runner Refuses to Break Character When Not Running
- Goldendoodle “Winston” Burned Out from Marathon Training
- Healed Injury Refuses to Quit Being Mitch’s Excuse Not to Run
- Company Confuses ‘Biannual,’ Locks Itself Into Double the Shoe Updates
- Company Scraps Carbon Neutral Commitment; Will Emit More CO2
- Tracksmith Sells Singlet for “Losers” Failing to Qualify for Boston
- Brock Furious He Must Finish Current Step Before Taking Next Step
- Nike and 41-Year-Old Kipchoge Aim to Shave Entire Hour off Marathon Record
- Saucony Partners with Duolingo to Educate Runners on ‘Saucony’ Pronunciation
- Running Influencer Calls for Inclusive Sport That Excludes Pros
- Game Over: Kyle Convinced Bullpen Entrance Song Gives Him Edge in Race
- Study Finds Energy Gels Provide No Nutritional Value, Entirely Placebo
- Courageous Runner Tempts Fate By Wearing Two Left (L) Socks
- JD Vance Unveils “F*ck a Couch to 5K” Plan
- Amateur Runner Self-Imposes 5-Year Ban After Admitting to Creatine Use
- “It’s a Wonderful Run” Shows It’s a Miserable Life Without Running
- Road Runner Transitions to Trail Runner—Not Everyone Is an Ally
- Researchers Determine Heel Pull Tabs Serve No Purpose
- 4/20 Casts Cloud Over Boston Marathon; Spectators Oddly Chill, Runners Compromised
- NYRR Replaces Road Races with Trail Races; Unveils 19+1 Program
- Diehard Vegan Unknowingly Commits Insect Genocide on Every Run
- D.A.R.E. Out: Schools Use Runner’s High as Drug-Free Strategy
- Gregory Desperately Trying to Outrun “The Runs” Mid-Run
- Amid Batshit Prices, Runners Resort to Renting Shoes
- World Athletics Adopts ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ Course for Road Running Championships
- Runner Does Same Route in Same Shoes—Refuses to Do Missionary
- After F1: Drive to Survive Success, Netflix Orders 6 Seasons of “Run to Have Fun”
- Creep “Flirts” with Crush Solely Using Strava
- Researchers Determine Men’s Marathon Record More Impressive Than Cure for Cancer
- Boston Marathon Bans Porta-Potties, Requires Runners to Carry Own Waste
- Dos Equis Introduces the “Most Interesting Runner in the World”
- Cyclists Demand Inclusion in Nike Ad That Acknowledges Everyone Except Them
- FanDuel Lets You Bet on Amateur Runners—Even Your Daughter
- Runner’s World Confirms Shoe Stack Height the New “Penis Size”
- Report: ‘Pain Cave’ More Closely Resembles ‘Pain Cavern’
- Gel Brand Drops Marathoner After Pregnancy Deemed Incompatible With Peak Performance
- Kevin Refuses to Go Down on Wife During Marathon Training
- Running Warehouse Shutters Operations Following Departure of Its Heart and Soul
- Archaeologists Unearth Prehistoric Running Shoe Circa 2019
- Mattel Bows to Trump’s Demands With Homoerotic Runner Ken Doll
- Boston’s Top American Talbi Reveals He Wore Glasses to Avoid Detection as Contender
- UCAN Sponsors Male Runner After Demonstrating “Elite Virility” in Impregnating Wife
- Boston Qualifiers Alarmed by Growing Trend of Charity Runners “Helping Other People”
- Ted Dreads Honeymoon Abroad — “Where the Hell Will I Run?”
- Psychopath Runs In Total Silence, Waves Like It’s Normal
- LA Marathon Scraps Finisher Medals for Starter Participation Trophies
- Report: “The Yips” Afflicting Runners at Alarming Rate
- Running Influencer Shills Self-Confidence Not to Follow Him
- CEO Admits New Running Shoe “Ass”: “We’ve Made it Worse”
- Teresa Never Experiences Runner’s High with Boyfriend, Continues Faking It
- Derek Calls Night Runs ‘Relaxing,’ Mystified by Concept of Women’s Safety
- New Balance Unveils the ‘OUT-AND-BACK,’ Finally Offering Alternative to the ‘TRACK’
- Runner Clearly Only Stopped In Café To Use Restroom, Pretends Otherwise
- Saucony Swaps Insensitive ‘Hurricane’ Shoe Name for ‘Earthquake’
- Reviews Are In: Kids Running Movie Can’t Go the Distance
- Report: Straight White Male Runner Not Center of Universe
- Luis Swears He’ll Run Tomorrow—Same Lie as Yesterday
- Runner Finally Comfortable Enough to Drop from 10- to 9-Inch Inseam
- ESPN Cancels Ill-Advised “First Take” Running Spinoff Show
- Boston Marathon Renames Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill”
- Guy Unsure When, Why, or How He Became a Runner
