An in-depth, nearly week-long investigation by a task force of male researchers at several prominent think tanks determined that the sub-2-hour men’s world marathon record set at the London Marathon is more impressive than a cure for cancer.
The research team arrived at their conclusion based on the finding that only the male species has run a marathon in under two hours, in tandem with the fact that running a marathon with a finish time starting with “1” objectively looks cool.
Citing a thorough analysis of Instagram comment sections filled with sub-3 marathoners, focus groups of men who own carbon plated shoes, several trending threads on the LetsRun.com message board, and a number of self-serious think pieces, the researchers overwhelmingly ascertained that Kenyan marathoner Sebastian Sawe is the closest thing to the second coming of Jesus Christ.
The lead researcher commented on the findings:
“Once we truly immersed ourselves in the data, it became clear almost immediately that setting a world record in the sport of men’s running lies on a far greater plane of existence than curing what is ultimately a temporary illness. Cancer is fleeting, but a world record lasts forever in the books. This is truly many small steps for man, one giant leap for mankind.”
At press time, the research team was preparing to nominate Sawe for the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine.
- CEO Admits New Running Shoe “Ass”: “We’ve Made it Worse”
- Running Influencer Shills Self-Confidence Not to Follow Him
- Ted Dreads Honeymoon Abroad — “Where the Hell Will I Run?”
- UCAN Sponsors Male Runner After Demonstrating “Elite Virility” in Impregnating Wife
- Tracksmith and rabbit Unveil Shared Tortoise Logo to Differentiate Brands
- Report: ‘Pain Cave’ More Closely Resembles ‘Pain Cavern’
- Boston Qualifiers Alarmed by Growing Trend of Charity Runners “Helping Other People”
- Amateur Runner Self-Imposes 5-Year Ban After Admitting to Creatine Use
- ESPN Cancels Ill-Advised “First Take” Running Spinoff Show
- Brock Furious He Must Finish Current Step Before Taking Next Step
- Company Scraps Carbon Neutral Commitment; Will Emit More CO2
- New Balance Unveils the ‘OUT-AND-BACK,’ Finally Offering Alternative to the ‘TRACK’
- Researchers Determine Men’s Marathon Record More Impressive Than Cure for Cancer
- Mattel Bows to Trump’s Demands With Homoerotic Runner Ken Doll
- Road Runner Transitions to Trail Runner—Not Everyone Is an Ally
- Archaeologists Unearth Prehistoric Running Shoe Circa 2019
- Luis Swears He’ll Run Tomorrow—Same Lie as Yesterday
- Goldendoodle “Winston” Burned Out from Marathon Training
- Report: “The Yips” Afflicting Runners at Alarming Rate
- Cyclists Demand Inclusion in Nike Ad That Acknowledges Everyone Except Them
- Runner Finally Comfortable Enough to Drop from 10- to 9-Inch Inseam
- Method Runner Refuses to Break Character When Not Running
- Courageous Runner Tempts Fate By Wearing Two Left (L) Socks
- Running Warehouse Shutters Operations Following Departure of Its Heart and Soul
- LA Marathon Scraps Finisher Medals for Starter Participation Trophies
- Gel Brand Drops Marathoner After Pregnancy Deemed Incompatible With Peak Performance
- Gregory Desperately Trying to Outrun “The Runs” Mid-Run
- Nike and 41-Year-Old Kipchoge Aim to Shave Entire Hour off Marathon Record
- “It’s a Wonderful Run” Shows It’s a Miserable Life Without Running
- NYRR Replaces Road Races with Trail Races; Unveils 19+1 Program
- Kevin Refuses to Go Down on Wife During Marathon Training
- Game Over: Kyle Convinced Bullpen Entrance Song Gives Him Edge in Race
- Researchers Determine Heel Pull Tabs Serve No Purpose
- Boston Marathon Renames Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill”
- Amid Batshit Prices, Runners Resort to Renting Shoes
- Runner Clearly Only Stopped In Café To Use Restroom, Pretends Otherwise
- Teresa Never Experiences Runner’s High with Boyfriend, Continues Faking It
- Dos Equis Introduces the “Most Interesting Runner in the World”
- Company Confuses ‘Biannual,’ Locks Itself Into Double the Shoe Updates
- 4/20 Casts Cloud Over Boston Marathon; Spectators Oddly Chill, Runners Compromised
- Creep “Flirts” with Crush Solely Using Strava
- FanDuel Lets You Bet on Amateur Runners—Even Your Daughter
- Derek Calls Night Runs ‘Relaxing,’ Mystified by Concept of Women’s Safety
- D.A.R.E. Out: Schools Use Runner’s High as Drug-Free Strategy
- Psychopath Runs In Total Silence, Waves Like It’s Normal
- Guy Unsure When, Why, or How He Became a Runner
- Boston Marathon Bans Porta-Potties, Requires Runners to Carry Own Waste
- Boston’s Top American Talbi Reveals He Wore Glasses to Avoid Detection as Contender
- After F1: Drive to Survive Success, Netflix Orders 6 Seasons of “Run to Have Fun”
- JD Vance Unveils “F*ck a Couch to 5K” Plan
- Running Influencer Calls for Inclusive Sport That Excludes Pros
- Runner’s World Confirms Shoe Stack Height the New “Penis Size”
- Tracksmith Sells Singlet for “Losers” Failing to Qualify for Boston
- World Athletics Adopts ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ Course for Road Running Championships
- Study Finds Energy Gels Provide No Nutritional Value, Entirely Placebo
- Runner Does Same Route in Same Shoes—Refuses to Do Missionary
- Reviews Are In: Kids Running Movie Can’t Go the Distance
- Report: Straight White Male Runner Not Center of Universe
- Diehard Vegan Unknowingly Commits Insect Genocide on Every Run
- Healed Injury Refuses to Quit Being Mitch’s Excuse Not to Run
