BOSTON — After being left off Nike’s Newbury Street storefront sign reading “Runners Welcome. Walkers Tolerated.” cyclists worldwide are calling on the company to include the underrepresented group with a simple addition: “Cyclists Acknowledged.”
Posted ahead of the Boston Marathon, the sign is just the latest in a series of Nike marketing efforts designed to alienate athletes the company has yet to figure out how to profit from.
Nike issued a statement addressing the online backlash:
“We value bicyclists as much as the next global entity, but despite how prominent our brand is, we simply cannot be all things to all people, especially non-elite people. Especially those who insist on exercising on two wheels rather than two feet.
Greatness is a choice, not an outcome, and we boldly dare all athletes to step forward with courage, trust in their own potential, and discover the greatness that unfolds the moment they choose to begin running and never stop moving forward at an elevated pace.”
At press time, Nike was preparing to issue an apology for omitting swimmers entirely.
- Running Warehouse Shutters Operations Following Departure of Its Heart and Soul
- Courageous Runner Tempts Fate By Wearing Two Left (L) Socks
- Teresa Never Experiences Runner’s High with Boyfriend, Continues Faking It
- Report: “The Yips” Afflicting Runners at Alarming Rate
- Running Influencer Shills Self-Confidence Not to Follow Him
- Mattel Bows to Trump’s Demands With Homoerotic Runner Ken Doll
- Reviews Are In: Kids Running Movie Can’t Go the Distance
- Researchers Determine Heel Pull Tabs Serve No Purpose
- New Balance Unveils the ‘OUT-AND-BACK,’ Finally Offering Alternative to the ‘TRACK’
- Report: Straight White Male Runner Not Center of Universe
- FanDuel Lets You Bet on Amateur Runners—Even Your Daughter
- Researchers Determine Men’s Marathon Record More Impressive Than Cure for Cancer
- Archaeologists Unearth Prehistoric Running Shoe Circa 2019
- After F1: Drive to Survive Success, Netflix Orders 6 Seasons of “Run to Have Fun”
- UCAN Sponsors Male Runner After Demonstrating “Elite Virility” in Impregnating Wife
- Company Confuses ‘Biannual,’ Locks Itself Into Double the Shoe Updates
- Runner Does Same Route in Same Shoes—Refuses to Do Missionary
- 4/20 Casts Cloud Over Boston Marathon; Spectators Oddly Chill, Runners Compromised
- Tracksmith and rabbit Unveil Shared Tortoise Logo to Differentiate Brands
- Boston Qualifiers Alarmed by Growing Trend of Charity Runners “Helping Other People”
- Luis Swears He’ll Run Tomorrow—Same Lie as Yesterday
- Nike and 41-Year-Old Kipchoge Aim to Shave Entire Hour off Marathon Record
- Running Influencer Calls for Inclusive Sport That Excludes Pros
- LA Marathon Scraps Finisher Medals for Starter Participation Trophies
- CEO Admits New Running Shoe “Ass”: “We’ve Made it Worse”
- Boston Marathon Renames Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill”
- Kevin Refuses to Go Down on Wife During Marathon Training
- Amid Batshit Prices, Runners Resort to Renting Shoes
- Healed Injury Refuses to Quit Being Mitch’s Excuse Not to Run
- Runner Clearly Only Stopped In Café To Use Restroom, Pretends Otherwise
- World Athletics Adopts ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ Course for Road Running Championships
- Gel Brand Drops Marathoner After Pregnancy Deemed Incompatible With Peak Performance
- Runner Finally Comfortable Enough to Drop from 10- to 9-Inch Inseam
- Psychopath Runs In Total Silence, Waves Like It’s Normal
- Road Runner Transitions to Trail Runner—Not Everyone Is an Ally
- ESPN Cancels Ill-Advised “First Take” Running Spinoff Show
- Brock Furious He Must Finish Current Step Before Taking Next Step
- Company Scraps Carbon Neutral Commitment; Will Emit More CO2
- Method Runner Refuses to Break Character When Not Running
- Cyclists Demand Inclusion in Nike Ad That Acknowledges Everyone Except Them
- Dos Equis Introduces the “Most Interesting Runner in the World”
- Gregory Desperately Trying to Outrun “The Runs” Mid-Run
- “It’s a Wonderful Run” Shows It’s a Miserable Life Without Running
- D.A.R.E. Out: Schools Use Runner’s High as Drug-Free Strategy
- JD Vance Unveils “F*ck a Couch to 5K” Plan
- NYRR Replaces Road Races with Trail Races; Unveils 19+1 Program
- Game Over: Kyle Convinced Bullpen Entrance Song Gives Him Edge in Race
- Boston Marathon Bans Porta-Potties, Requires Runners to Carry Own Waste
- Tracksmith Sells Singlet for “Losers” Failing to Qualify for Boston
- Study Finds Energy Gels Provide No Nutritional Value, Entirely Placebo
- Goldendoodle “Winston” Burned Out from Marathon Training
- Derek Calls Night Runs ‘Relaxing,’ Mystified by Concept of Women’s Safety
- Boston’s Top American Talbi Reveals He Wore Glasses to Avoid Detection as Contender
- Runner’s World Confirms Shoe Stack Height the New “Penis Size”
- Ted Dreads Honeymoon Abroad — “Where the Hell Will I Run?”
- Guy Unsure When, Why, or How He Became a Runner
- Creep “Flirts” with Crush Solely Using Strava
- Report: ‘Pain Cave’ More Closely Resembles ‘Pain Cavern’
- Amateur Runner Self-Imposes 5-Year Ban After Admitting to Creatine Use
- Diehard Vegan Unknowingly Commits Insect Genocide on Every Run


