WOODBRIDGE, Conn. — Citing what it described as “elite virility” demonstrated by professional marathoner Preston Caldwell after impregnating his wife, energy gel company UCAN announced it has signed the athlete to a lucrative five-year sponsorship deal.
UCAN is back in the news after recently cutting ties with marathoner Emma Bates upon learning of her pregnancy, marking its second time this week weighing in on athletic performance and reproduction, this time from a markedly different angle.
“It is evident Preston has exceptional strength, focus, and relentless drive: traits that align closely with UCAN’s commitment to fueling not just peak athletic performance but meaningful life achievements, including starting a family,” a company spokesperson said. “We see this as a natural synergy between two dynamic brands that are aligned in maximizing potential both on and off the course. We are thrilled for Preston as he embarks on fatherhood in a way that complements his continued performance at the highest level.”
A consistent presence in sponsorship campaigns off the race course, Caldwell has been far less reliable in competition, failing to finish inside the top 25 of any marathon during his 11-year career.
As part of the endorsement, Caldwell will share updates of his wife’s pregnancy journey on social media, highlighting how UCAN products have been crucial in “fueling aspirations and invigorating lives, catalyzing not just physical energy but personal triumphs.”
At press time, sources confirmed Caldwell’s wife was unaware of the deal or its stipulations regarding her pregnancy.
- CEO Admits New Running Shoe “Ass”: “We’ve Made it Worse”
- Ted Dreads Honeymoon Abroad — “Where the Hell Will I Run?”
- Tracksmith Sells Singlet for “Losers” Failing to Qualify for Boston
- Report: Straight White Male Runner Not Center of Universe
- Saucony Swaps Insensitive ‘Hurricane’ Shoe Name for ‘Earthquake’
- UCAN Sponsors Male Runner After Demonstrating “Elite Virility” in Impregnating Wife
- Teresa Never Experiences Runner’s High with Boyfriend, Continues Faking It
- Luis Swears He’ll Run Tomorrow—Same Lie as Yesterday
- Company Confuses ‘Biannual,’ Locks Itself Into Double the Shoe Updates
- Brock Furious He Must Finish Current Step Before Taking Next Step
- Road Runner Transitions to Trail Runner—Not Everyone Is an Ally
- Game Over: Kyle Convinced Bullpen Entrance Song Gives Him Edge in Race
- Researchers Determine Heel Pull Tabs Serve No Purpose
- ESPN Cancels Ill-Advised “First Take” Running Spinoff Show
- Saucony Partners with Duolingo to Educate Runners on ‘Saucony’ Pronunciation
- Creep “Flirts” with Crush Solely Using Strava
- Psychopath Runs In Total Silence, Waves Like It’s Normal
- “It’s a Wonderful Run” Shows It’s a Miserable Life Without Running
- JD Vance Unveils “F*ck a Couch to 5K” Plan
- Amid Batshit Prices, Runners Resort to Renting Shoes
- Diehard Vegan Unknowingly Commits Insect Genocide on Every Run
- Gel Brand Drops Marathoner After Pregnancy Deemed Incompatible With Peak Performance
- Running Influencer Shills Self-Confidence Not to Follow Him
- Runner Does Same Route in Same Shoes—Refuses to Do Missionary
- Company Scraps Carbon Neutral Commitment; Will Emit More CO2
- Nike Launches Highly Anticipated Betafly Shoe for Cucks
- Boston Marathon Renames Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill”
- Running Influencer Calls for Inclusive Sport That Excludes Pros
- Derek Calls Night Runs ‘Relaxing,’ Mystified by Concept of Women’s Safety
- Runner’s World Confirms Shoe Stack Height the New “Penis Size”
- After F1: Drive to Survive Success, Netflix Orders 6 Seasons of “Run to Have Fun”
- Healed Injury Refuses to Quit Being Mitch’s Excuse Not to Run
- Archaeologists Unearth Prehistoric Running Shoe Circa 2019
- Reviews Are In: Kids Running Movie Can’t Go the Distance
- Mattel Bows to Trump’s Demands With Homoerotic Runner Ken Doll
- Goldendoodle “Winston” Burned Out from Marathon Training
- Kevin Refuses to Go Down on Wife During Marathon Training
- FanDuel Lets You Bet on Amateur Runners—Even Your Daughter
- Report: “The Yips” Afflicting Runners at Alarming Rate
- Runner Clearly Only Stopped In Café To Use Restroom, Pretends Otherwise
- D.A.R.E. Out: Schools Use Runner’s High as Drug-Free Strategy
- LA Marathon Scraps Finisher Medals for Starter Participation Trophies
- Gregory Desperately Trying to Outrun “The Runs” Mid-Run
- Guy Unsure When, Why, or How He Became a Runner
- Dos Equis Introduces the “Most Interesting Runner in the World”
