Researchers Determine Heel Pull Tabs Serve No Purpose

After a comprehensive half-decade investigation into all-things heel pull tabs, a task force of Ivy League researchers has determined the loops of fabric serve no actual purpose.

Responsibly utilizing their $25 million grant, the team conducted rigorous tests and experiments on pull tabs of all shapes, sizes, and colors. They concluded none of them offered any benefits whatsoever.

This comes as quite the bombshell report to hit “Big Running,” and will likely send shockwaves throughout the shoe industry. One thing’s for sure: shoe companies have a lot of explaining to do.

Pull tab truthers believed the fabric nubs made it easier to put on running shoes by having something to grip and pull—disregarding the shoe’s heel already serves that role quite admirably.

Others claimed they’re a fashion statement, designed to elevate the shoe’s aesthetic, ignoring the fact they more closely resemble a doll’s earrings.

But while pull tabs are useless, they’re not inconsequential. The task force’s lead found they do impact the shoe in one very big way.

“Yes, it’s true. Pull tabs are nothing more than dead weight dragging you down. Folks wonder how running shoes can get so heavy. Well, there’s a big loop attached to the back of the shoe, literally holding you back. Personally, I’d never purchase a shoe with one. I’d always be wondering how much lighter the shoe would be without it. The nagging thought would consume me entirely. I’d go insane.”

At press time, outraged runners across social media were seen snipping heel pull tabs off their shoes, using #shoevasectomy.