Nike is thrilled to unveil the new Betafly shoe today, the latest addition to Nike’s race day shoe collection and yet another shoe ending in “fly.” Hey, at least it doesn’t have “Max” in the name. The stupid-looking pair boasts the brand’s least premium LowT foam to help weak runners feel a little less feeble every step of their inevitably short and sluggish run.
Positioned as Nike’s cheaper, slower, and overall inferior race day shoe, the Betafly is designed to be worn by all the “soy boy beta cucks out there,” according to the brand. “You know the ones,” Nike continues, “the pathetic runners lacking any semblance of masculine characteristics. The non-athletic, frail pansies without an ounce of muscle or testosterone. The sad sacks who finish last…on the racecourse and in life.”
Betafly Uses
Nike acknowledges the Betafly willingly submits to better, stronger, bigger, and sexier running shoes who perform better and last longer on the roads.
Nike further explains the intended market for the Betafly:
“Following years of success selling our Vaporfly and Alphafly race day models to serious runners, we felt it was high time to introduce a less intimidating, less effective, and more feminine shoe that appeals to unserious runners. The ones who race for ‘fun’—definitely not to PR, and certainly not to qualify for Boston.”
Nike adds:
“After all, shitty runners also run races—not fast, mind you, but they still toe the starting line just like everyone else. Well, actually, not just like everyone else. They’re dressed like morons, wearing ill-fitting outfits with hideous shoes with no plate. And, of course, once the race starts, they’re definitely not just like everyone else. They’re in the back of the pack huffing and puffing and looking lost, nowhere near the leaders. And that’s precisely who this shoe is for: the losers. The booger eaters. The bed wetters. The ones who have never succeeded at anything in life and never will.”
The Betafly doesn’t have a carbon fiber plate, but it is carbon neutral to appease the type of people that would buy this shoe—the ones who care more about sustainability than performance.
“Remember, these are unserious runners we’re talking about,” Nike reinforces.
As part of the shoe’s launch, Nike released a new slogan to be used exclusively with the Betafly:
“Just do it—or don’t, because there’s someone who can do it better than you can. Actually, you probably can’t do it anyway, even if your life depended on it.”
The Betafly is available now, only in stores, not online.
