Archaeologists Unearth Prehistoric Running Shoe Circa 2019

Amid a vast, deserted landfill nowhere particularly significant, a team of archaeologists has discovered what they think to be an ancient running shoe circa 2019.

The previously unidentified stationary object (USO) was originally misclassified as bowling shoes. However, upon closer examination, it’s now believed that runners somehow did, at one point in time, use this artifact to put one foot in front of the other at a slightly elevated pace.

With just a single underwhelming stride, scientists were quickly able to determine this antique’s midsole is comprised entirely of EVA—the worst foam. Formed in the 70’s, Ethylene Vinyl Acetate unfortunately, is not as dead as disco. It’s still very much alive despite being a very much lifeless foam without very much (none) energy return.

At least there’s not very much EVA, with a pathetic stack height below 30 millimeters in both the heel and the forefoot. And with no evidence of any plate of any kind, scholars maintain this shoe is, indeed, “old AF.”

So, who do we mock for this abomination of a shoe, and are they still living all these years later? Well, the relic’s branding is so outdated that it’s simply impossible to determine the company of origin. No one would ever design a shoe like this today—they’d be fired on the spot. But one thing’s for sure: this is one hideous-looking pair. Although faded, the unbelievably tacky colorway still shines obnoxiously bright, coupled with a weight that tips the scale at 11 ounces (312 grams).

Your feet would have better luck breathing in a burlap sack—the upper has no ventilation. And, despite severe wear and tear, there’s still more rubber on this outsole than most tires have. It’s no wonder this shoe is still around: it’s indestructible. It’ll outlive the entire human race.

Historical significance

Notable running shoe historian, Timothy Cartwright, offers his perspective on the archaic pair.

“It’s true. [sighs] Believe it or not, this piece of junk was once, somehow, used for the sport of running. It sounds ludicrous now, I know. But back in the day, runners were so desperate they really would strap just about anything to their feet. Of course, no runner would be caught dead in these today, let alone ever run in them.

They look like footwear for an entirely worse, much more unathletic sport. Like pickleball. Something for the out-of-shape, slothful type who take no pride in how they look or what they’re seen doing in public. Bunch of bums.

I mean, just look at that minimal cushioning. Yikes! At one point, our feet were actually forced to feel the road beneath us! The audacity of those companies. Can you even imagine? I can, and it’s making my knees hurt. Yep, back then, running really was bad for your knees.

It’s just amazing how far we’ve come with advancements in uppers, foams, and, umm, heel pull tabs. You seen the size of those things?”

Inspired by this monumental historical discovery—and evidently fresh out of ideas and looking to profit off nothing more than nostalgia—brands are now re-releasing their stale, antiquated running shoes to take financial advantage of naïve customers who hate their life.

Although marketed as “retro” shoes, the outlandish prices are very much reflective of today’s batshit running shoe market.