Appearing visibly agonized and sweating profusely upon entrance, it quickly became evident that runner Zane Davenport only stopped by Java Junction Café to relieve himself of the all-consuming, unmistakable urge to take a massive dump mid-run.
Despite feigning a squint at the café wall menu’s rather large font, Zane has no intention of ordering anything. He is allegedly only 2.74 miles into what sources confirmed is a 14-mile long run.
Customers reported watching a hunched over Zane audibly groan as he yelled out random menu items, all while keeping an eye on the mom-and-pop shop’s lone, currently occupied restroom.
“Wow! This sure is some menu! Talk about the paradox of choice, am I right?! [Nnngh] Hmm, what to get, what to get…
Ooooo, ‘Salted Caramel Cappuccino Seduction!’ Now, that sounds yummy—and a bit kinky! [Nnngh]
‘Jamaican Me Crazy!’ Ha! That’s adorable! [Nnngh] Very clever, you guys! Bravo! Bravo!
OMG, ‘A Latte Love Affair!’ Hell, I’m such a sucker for lattes! [Nnngh] This place totally gets me—unlike my wife! No, I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”
After wildly mispronouncing both “cappuccino” and “latte,” there’s heavy speculation that Zane isn’t a coffee drinker. (He also butchered “Jamaican.”) And with no wedding ring in sight, it remained unclear whether he even had a wife.
“Hmm, I am a bit famished,” Zane said to no one, continuing an act no one was buying. “Do you guys got bran muffins?” he asked, interrupting a worker assisting another customer, despite nearly a dozen muffin varieties—including bran—clearly outlined on the menu. Perhaps unsurprisingly, a crumb visible at the corner of his mouth pointed to an “extra-bran” pre-run muffin he was now deeply regretting.
When the restroom door mercifully opened, Zane sprinted inside and violently slammed the door behind him. Approximately 11-and-a-half minutes later, he slowly reopened the creaking door, pretending to check his phone as he slipped out the side entrance, bumping into a young girl as he fled the scene. Café patrons reported hearing no evidence of hand washing.
- Healed Injury Refuses to Quit Being Mitch’s Excuse Not to Run
- CEO Admits New Running Shoe “Ass”: “We’ve Made it Worse”
- Saucony Swaps Insensitive ‘Hurricane’ Shoe Name for ‘Earthquake’
- Brock Furious He Must Finish Current Step Before Taking Next Step
- Creep “Flirts” with Crush Solely Using Strava
- Road Runner Transitions to Trail Runner—Not Everyone Is an Ally
- Saucony Partners with Duolingo to Educate Runners on ‘Saucony’ Pronunciation
- Goldendoodle “Winston” Burned Out from Marathon Training
- Company Scraps Carbon Neutral Commitment; Will Emit More CO2
- Running Influencer Shills Self-Confidence Not to Follow Him
- Game Over: Kyle Convinced Bullpen Entrance Song Gives Him Edge in Race
- Report: Straight White Male Runner Not Center of Universe
- Dos Equis Introduces the “Most Interesting Runner in the World”
- “It’s a Wonderful Run” Shows It’s a Miserable Life Without Running
- Reviews Are In: Kids Running Movie Can’t Go the Distance
- Teresa Never Experiences Runner’s High with Boyfriend, Continues Faking It
- Mattel Bows to Trump’s Demands With Homoerotic Runner Ken Doll
- Amid Batshit Prices, Runners Resort to Renting Shoes
- ASICS: “Not Just Running Shoes—We Also Sell Pickleball Crap”
- Report: “The Yips” Afflicting Runners at Alarming Rate
- Gregory Desperately Trying to Outrun “The Runs” Mid-Run
- Guy Unsure When, Why, or How He Became a Runner
- Nike Launches Highly Anticipated Betafly Shoe for Cucks
- Researchers Determine Heel Pull Tabs Serve No Purpose
- Luis Swears He’ll Run Tomorrow—Same Lie as Yesterday
- Boston Marathon Renames Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill”
- Kevin Refuses to Go Down on Wife During Marathon Training
- Company Confuses ‘Biannual,’ Locks Itself Into Double the Shoe Updates
- Runner Does Same Route in Same Shoes—Refuses to Do Missionary
- Archaeologists Unearth Prehistoric Running Shoe Circa 2019
- Psychopath Runs In Total Silence, Waves Like It’s Normal
- Diehard Vegan Unknowingly Commits Insect Genocide on Every Run
- JD Vance Unveils “F*ck a Couch to 5K” Plan
- Tracksmith Sells Singlet for “Losers” Failing to Qualify for Boston
- Derek Calls Night Runs ‘Relaxing,’ Mystified by Concept of Women’s Safety
- ESPN Cancels Ill-Advised “First Take” Running Spinoff Show
- FanDuel Lets You Bet on Amateur Runners—Even Your Daughter
- Ted Dreads Honeymoon Abroad — “Where the Hell Will I Run?”
- Runner Clearly Only Stopped In Café To Use Restroom, Pretends Otherwise
- D.A.R.E. Out: Schools Use Runner’s High as Drug-Free Strategy
