JD Vance Unveils “F*ck a Couch to 5K” Plan

In the latest foolproof Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) scheme, Vice President JD Vance has launched his “Fuck a Couch to 5K” training plan.

With no hope of a “signature campaign” from First Lady Melania Trump, Vance took the initiative to create his own — he’s far more intimate with the President, anyway.

The original “Couch to 5K” training plan is designed to get anyone off the couch to running 5 kilometers or 30 minutes—whichever comes first—in just 9 weeks.

Vice President Vance’s program is a blatant rip-off, the only difference is the nature of the couch relationship.

Vance held a press conference to explain the key distinction:

“Look, I’ve been there. Hell, we’ve all been there. So desperate for any kind of intimacy in any form, on the hunt for any sort of cheap thrill, that you shove your cock in between the couch cushions and plow away. It’s nothing to be ashamed of — it’s the couch’s fault for being so provocatively upholstered! And frankly, it feels quite pleasant. Talk about ‘more cushion for the pushin!’ Am I right?! My buddies sure agree! Just ask that White House sectional we gang banged last Friday night!

And the best part? No cleanup! You just deposit your loads underneath the cushions, never to be seen again. Of course, the sickening aroma of semen is a whole other problem. Yucky! Folks, that smell is how I knew I totally couldn’t be gay! Probably.

Of course, just don’t make the same mistake I did: be sure to lube up the sofa real good or your dick will come out all mangled and shit. Honestly, I don’t think mine has ever looked the same since. Hey, it sure beats acquiring another STD!

But listen, my program is for all you couch fuckers out there, not the couch face sitters, like the original one. It’s designed to get you out of the couch — that immensely soft, extremely warm, and entirely consenting couch — and onto the road, to do…whatever.”

As part of the initiative, Vance unveiled an accompanying slogan: “Fuck yo couch!” Apparently inspired by the Chappelle’s Show Rick James sketch, the slogan is intended as a cheeky middle finger to the couch, but instead comes off as a direct command to…well…fuck it. Vance is clearly still very much entranced by the couch’s allure: its loose cushions, tight seats, curved back, and front skirt.

Created by Josh Clark in 1996, “Couch to 5K” is responsible for getting millions of couch potatoes up and running as part of a regular habit. Safe to say, Clark could’ve never envisioned his training plan would be hijacked and tainted with the sexual deviance of the Vice President of the United States. Clark originally wrote the program for his loving mother, Nancy Griffin.

Will “Fuck a Couch to 5K” be Vance’s defining legacy as Vice President? Only time will tell.

Vance meme via Discord.