Mattel Bows to Trump’s Demands With Homoerotic Runner Ken Doll

Today, Mattel introduced a “Runner Ken” doll to settle President Trump’s frivolous lawsuit over the “feminazi” Barbie film—more than two whole years after its release.

The Ken doll comes in addition to Mattel agreeing to pay Trump $30 million to fund White House renovations, including turning the South Lawn into a mini golf course, a Mar-a-Lago style ballroom, and millions in legal fees.

Trump was furious the toy company agreed to be part of a movie that portrayed Barbie as a strong, independent, and empowered boss bitch — instead of a “subservient slut.”

Mattel is just the latest spineless company to settle an unfounded Trump lawsuit, following in the hollow footsteps of gutless cowards like Disney, Paramount Global, YouTube, Meta, and Twitter. Trump received a whopping $90 million payday from these settlements, alone.

Trump’s response

Trump took to Truth Social to share his thoughts on the film:

“Just saw Barbie movie with JD—SAD! Buncha Woke CRAP! NOT the Barbie I know and adore. Wasn’t even hot! That hag Greta EARWIG is a WITCH who oughta be burned at the stake! WHOSE WITH ME?!  

Now, I tell ya, I do like that Ken. He’s a winner, isn’t he folks? There’s a guy I’d like in my cabinet, and maybe my bed too. Ha. Kidding. But Kenny’s VERY HANDSOME, just like sexy Ivanka. Extremely buff. Quite chiseled. Nothing like Vance. Reminds me of RFK Jr.’s build. Maybe a bit leaner. Less leathery. He is star! That’s why he got Oscar Nom—NOT talentless bimbo Margaret BOOBY. Chick belongs in pornos on HUGE COCK, not on big screen. Hollywood full of pedophiles! I HATE pedos! Make me SICK!”

From afar, it seems bizarre why a “Runner Ken” doll appeased Trump—he is, by all measures, the most unathletic, least fit “leader” in any country’s history. He’s likely never run in his life. But once you take a closer look at “Runner Ken”, it’s clear it has nothing to do with running and everything to do with toxic masculinity.

With just a gentle pull of his right hand, “Runner Ken” spews a rich variety of misogynistic and homophobic remarks, including:

• “Pick up the pace! What are you, on your period?!”
• “Don’t be a pussy—keep going!”
• “Bitch, you call that a long run?!”
• “Nice outfit, queer!”
• “There’s no stopping in running, you pansy!”
• “You run like a girl!”
• And dozens more

Runner Ken comes complete with:

• a pair of weathered combat boots—not running shoes—a MAGA cap, and a gold hoop earring in his left ear
  
  
• extremely skimpy pink shorts—0.5-inch inseam—displaying nearly all of the immaculate male figure (including curly pubes) as God intended
  
  
• an awfully small needle dick, just a quarter inch longer than the shorts so the tip is visible
  
  
• an assault rifle in hand and bandolier of bullets attachable to his chest—because the second amendment
  
  
• a removable lavender mesh muscle shirt that’s not one size too small, but two sizes too small

As you can see, “Runner Ken” is less of a runner and more of a dollar store G.I. Joe deeply confused about his sexuality. Customers are advised to treat Ken carefully, as he’s very fragile. Like, extremely fragile.

Since the Ken doll’s introduction in 1961, he’s been featured with nearly every sport: hockey, skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, Olympic figure skating, football, and golf, to name a few. Hell, there’s even been “Referee Ken.” Running was the one sport that alluded the underwhelming doll until this unfortunate product launch.

Mattel kowtowing to Trump is akin to the Boston Athletic Association renaming the Boston Marathon’s Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill” earlier this year.

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