Luis Swears He’ll Run Tomorrow—Same Lie as Yesterday

After once again breaking his promise (to himself) to run today — as he has each day the past two weeks — Luis Ortiz swears he’s actually going running tomorrow.

There’s only one problem. Luis has expressed the exact same sentiment the past 10 consecutive days. But this time, he really means it — a sentiment he’s expressed the past 5 consecutive days.

Time management is crucial when you lead an action-packed life like Luis, 28. He may not be employed, nor have a partner, kids, friends, or even a goldfish, but Luis’s plate is beyond full with a variety of fulfilling activities.

Tuesday was perhaps the closest he came to breaking his unimpressive run-free streak. After donning his favorite (tacky) bright yellow running outfit, he accidentally stumbled down a Reddit rabbit hole of conspiracy theories ranging from the Illuminati to the girth of Bigfoot’s penis.

With “Luis in Wonderland”, further down the rabbit hole he went. After a couple swipes, he ventured over to YouTube, exploring violent clip after clip from Quentin Tarantino movies he’s seen dozens of times. “Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead.”

He capped off his fruitless expedition with a not-so-quick detour to Pornhub in search of some “hott lesbien stuff.” You read that right: Luis spelled “hot” with two t’s and misspelled “lesbian” in the search bar. Any chance of a run was quickly dashed after he quickly fell asleep after masturbating. Only, unlike Alice, he hadn’t dreamt any of it — quite ironic, considering Luis will do anything to escape reality.

Anger management

Running has been a blessing for Luis, helping him manage a lifelong struggle with anger. But recently he developed another outlet to get the anger monkeys off his back: video games. He’s discovered sitting on his ass, mindlessly pressing a few buttons mouth agape requires far less effort than running. Go figure.

However, playing Grand Theft Auto has been more of a curse. After countless hours robbing convenience stores, bombing hospitals, murdering cute kittens, and crashing planes into apartment buildings, Luis’s anger reaches its boiling point. If only he could get out the door for a run to blow off some steam.

Alas, he’s stuck on a really difficult GTA mission where he must eliminate Enzo Benelli, a mafia member turned real estate developer. Goes without saying, an assassination takes priority over running — as does defending his meth lab from a rival gang. Unfortunately, the fictional stakes carry real-world consequences: if the lab gets overtaken, he’ll take to Twitter to unleash his homophobic rage on LGBTQIA users.

“Ok, I’m definitely gonna go running right after I reach the next checkpoint. I know I said that after the past three checkpoints, but I had to help out my good buddy Deever by disposing of the bodies of his recent victims. It’d be foolish to lose all the progress I’ve made. I’ve become a real kingpin in L.A.’s underbelly. Criminals rely on me to take care of business here in the city of angels, and I simply can’t afford to have my rep take a hit. Oh snap, speaking of hit, just remembered I need to blow up Judge Alberts in a car explosion in front of the Los Santos Police Station. Welp, this run is postponed indefinitely.”

Hating his life — and anyone who doesn’t look like him — Luis works tirelessly to avoid living in it. Instead, he happily resides on an oceanfront property in the make-believe universe of pop culture’s greatest male creations.

At this rate, it’s unclear whether he will ever pound the pavement again. Tragically, it seems he’s much more interested in curb stomping hookers’ heads in a video game.