Ted Dreads Honeymoon Abroad — “Where the Hell Will I Run?”

Realizing he’s got no earthly idea what Costa Rica looks like—or where it is on Earth—Ted Lambert is gravely concerned he won’t have anywhere to run on his honeymoon with second wife Ellen.

Fueled by a steady diet of American exceptionalism, xenophobia, and not-so-closeted racism, Ted hasn’t stepped foot outside the U.S. in his 45 years on the planet. Not even to Canada. His definition of “abroad” consists of leaving his state.

But this winter, that all changes when he’ll begrudgingly leave the straight-white-male friendly confines of America for Central America. Needless to say, he’s got some reservations:

“Hell, I’m just not comfortable going somewhere I’ve never been. Like, how will I possibly figure out where I should run? Or allowed to run? Does running even exist in South America? I mean, do people run for fun there? Or do they just run to escape danger?”

It’ll come as no surprise this trip was not Ted’s idea. Lol, nope. Nah, if it were up to him, they’d celebrate their honeymoon in style and with much more class at the La Quinta Inn & Suites down the road from their home in Rome (New York). Ted’s heard they serve a continental breakfast to die for.

Yep, he’d rather get frostbite in a January snowstorm than break a sweat in warm, sunny Costa Rica—anything to stay in upstate New York.

The only North American exploration that interests Ted is Manifest Destiny. History buffs will recall it was used to justify U.S. expansion and displacement of Native Americans in the 19^th century. This might help explain his American Exceptionalism.

A “rich coast”

Ted questions Costa Rica’s infrastructure:

“Do they even got roads there? I sure as shit know they ain’t paved in gold. I imagine they’re dirt paths leading from one bad part of town to the next. That’s just great; I’m really not much of a trail runner.”

Costa Rica is considered an upper middle-income country by the World Bank, experiencing steady economic expansion over the past 25 years. Furthermore, the World Bank notes the country enjoys a long tradition of democratic stability and commitment to institutionality, while earning a reputation for being at the forefront of green development, as the first tropical country in the world to have reversed deforestation.

Not to mention it’s a popular vacation destination for Americans just like Ted. Well, maybe not just like Ted.

It’s a shame he approaches running with the same intolerable self-importance he brings to everything in his insignificant life. It’s quite bewildering, given he’s never run more than a 5k and his PR is laughable for someone of his experience. He’s not even training for anything during the honeymoon.

But running isn’t Ted’s only fear amid what should be one of the happiest occasions in his life.

“I really don’t care for that ethnic food. I find it way too spicy and most of it smells like ass. It also looks filthy. I’m not exactly sure what they serve in the C.R., but I bet it’s nothing even remotely close to my regimen. Hopefully there’ll be some restaurants that cater to the more refined palates of folks like me.”

Despite his rank as “microwave maven” in the kitchen, Ted forces Ellen to slave over a hot stove each morning, afternoon, and night—demanding nothing but the finest bland, flavorless grub imaginable. Think: overcooked and under-seasoned steak, mac and cheese using—unsurprisingly—American cheese, and chicken pot pie fresh from the freezer.  His “dining out” consists of venturing in the drive-thru of his favorite burger, pizza, and sandwich chains.

Although the non-refundable trip is all booked, it remains to be seen whether Ted will actually board the plane come travel day.

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