Breaking news from Axios: despite being an extremely privileged, straight cisgender white male, local runner Chad Hummel, 26, is not the center of the universe while he runs—or any other time he exists.
Despite Chad’s best efforts to hold in his stomach, clench his fists to make his arms appear more defined, and don 1-inch inseam shorts revealing all of his artificially tanned and awfully hairy legs, not a single individual is paying any attention to Chad as he’s overstriding on his run. Chad might as well be invisible. A ghost.
While he eye-fucks every heterosexual white female—and every other female—in the hopes of getting their attention, none of these ladies are hoping Chad looks their way. Zero are returning the unwanted favor of Chad checking them out. And, there is not a chance in hell any of them will be fucking him—with their eyes or any other body part.
Despite the high volume and unnecessary use of Chad’s fake grunts, coughs, and exaggerated inhales and exhales, not one iota of the loud noises is audible to his intended audience…of anyone. His violent, animalistic sounds do nothing to distance Chad from being confused for the aggressive predator he more closely resembles.
Chad thinks everyone’s very impressed by his sub-3-hour marathon time. In reality, everybody is far more underwhelmed by his sub-3-inch penis.
Privilege is a helluva drug
Chad doesn’t have to run in fear near police officers…because he’s white, remember? And because he’s also a police officer—a very corrupt, very racist police officer.
No person within a 275-mile vicinity cares or knows (or cares to know) that Chad paid $275 (before tax) for the pair of carbon plated shoes on foot. Additionally, the tacky colorway he’s rocking is everyone’s least favorite hue. Truthfully, they can’t make out the shoes Chad’s wearing even if they happened to accidentally turn in his direction. He might as well be running in a $50 pair of Crocs. Or Birkenstocks. Or socks.
Chad’s overpriced, obnoxious outfit is courtesy Lululemon, but no one’s doing Chad the courtesy of noticing his lewd, bright-lemon shorts.
Chad blasts shitty tunes from problematic artists via a Bluetooth speaker because he foolishly believes his running playlist is also everyone’s soundtrack. It’s not: many lives would be drastically improved by never hearing Morgan Wallen.
Although Chad’s passing of pedestrians is somehow both passive-aggressive and active-aggressive, no one passively nor actively notices him aggressively passing.
Chad’s rebuttal
Labeling Axios’ report as “fake news,” Chad posted the following statement to his Twitter account—an account he primarily uses to spread disproved conspiracy theories and harass women, LGBTQIA+, and Black, Indigenous, and people of color:
“When I step onto the pavement and pour my blood and sweat—but not tears— into putting one foot in front of the other at an extremely elevated pace, I’m not just running; I’m putting on a show. I’m an entertainer, and as the great historical figure Maximus famously declared, ‘Are you not entertained?!’ Of course you are! How could you not be?
Everything you folks see me wear, do, and say—how I present myself to the public—has been meticulously crafted down to the flavor of energy gel I consume and the accompanying wrapper I litter to mark my territory. None of it is for me. It’s all for you. And you folks eat it up. Every time.”
At press time, no one was aware of Chad’s whereabouts because no one gives a shit about Chad.
