In a full confession today, the CEO of a leading running brand shamelessly admitted critics are right: their new shoe is “ass.”
The executive held a press conference to address the widespread backlash against the shoe.
“Look, I’ll be honest with you guys, we made the shoe…worse. We didn’t really have much choice. And not every pair can be a winner, anyway. As they say, shoe win some, shoe lose some. Besides, just like movie plots and song melodies, running shoes eventually run out of new ideas. I think it’s safe to say, the running industry peaked about a year ago.”
The beloved daily trainer underwent substantial unpopular changes:
- Increased weight by 2.133 ounces
- Downgraded midsole foam from super critical EVA to plain old EVA, and reduced amount by 6 mm in heel and forefoot
- A significantly more uncomfortable and considerably less breathable upper
- Decreased durability from a notable reduction in outsole rubber
- Raised price by $9.99 despite the shoe’s lower production cost
Additionally, the shoe was stripped of its heel pull tab, but that had no impact 0n anything.
The daily trainer isn’t the only casualty of the company’s penny-pinching. Their racing “super shoe” isn’t so super anymore after removing the carbon fiber plate (while keeping the batshit price).
The company’s major decline in quality and use of inferior materials undoubtedly stems from its sale to a private equity firm last year. The takeover was accompanied by a layoff of hundreds of employees without severance, including key members of the product design and development team.
“Listen, we’ve all had to make sacrifices in this economy,” added the CEO. “And, lord knows, we’re certainly not immune to the loss of a backbone and an utter shortage of originality.”
Thousands of disgruntled customers are unable to reach the company’s once-great customer service team—they were all casualties of the private equity sale.
The CEO of New Balance, the one major independently owned shoe brand, reportedly “laughed his ass off” watching the press conference.
