After several weeks of near-daily running with weekly accumulations up to 70 miles, goldendoodle Winston is officially burned out from marathon training with his foolish owner.
It’s no wonder Winston is utterly exhausted, mentally and physically. Poor fella is following quite the strenuous training plan — one no pup could possibly keep up with, no matter how good a boy.
Not even a deranged, frenetic animal like the goldendoodle can summon the energy to keep pace with such a psychotic exercise regimen. A truly batshit routine filled with six runs a week, including a variety of speed workouts at sub-7:00 minute pace and long runs up to 20 miles, often twice a week — all without a single treat.
Winston is also literally burned out. His paw pads are seared raw from running on the scorching pavement in the heat — and humidity — of the hottest Virginia summer on record. His irresponsible owner doesn’t realize asphalt surfaces can reach up to 125 degrees Fahrenheit when the air temperature is just 77 degrees.
Even with a goofy poodle haircut Winston despises, it’s far too hot for him to be running; the AccuWeather RealFeel is 100 degrees. Winston would like to see his clueless owner try to run barefoot in a fur coat and see if he survives! No, really. Nothing would give Winston greater satisfaction than his barbaric owner dropping dead from a heatstroke.
Winston’s insufferable owner is trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon, but Winston couldn’t care less about his owner’s selfish pursuit of false glory nor delusions of grandeur. Winston’s entire focus is on the bag of bully sticks trapped behind the pantry door. Winston knows full well it’s made from bull penis; doesn’t change the fact they’re mouthwateringly delicious.
Winston doesn’t even particularly enjoy running. He’d much rather go for a long walk or play fetch with his rubber Chuckit! Ultra Ball. Winston can’t resist the ball’s orange and blue hues — a color combo dogs like Winston can easily distinguish. At least fetch serves a purpose. It has an objective, unlike running mindlessly for up to three consecutive hours.
Off the roads, Winston’s sole companion remains his owner: a single, childless, narcissistic bore without an ounce of self-awareness and just two quasi-friends, both of whom clearly prefer Winston. Knowing this all too well, he’s banned them from seeing Winston.
Although not a service dog, Winston’s stuck in a toxic, co-dependent relationship with his pathetic owner. As if being a resentful running partner weren’t enough, Winston is responsible for the household chores, including:
- Putting away his owner’s dozens of ugly AF running shoes in the closet
- Making the bed every morning — a king bed that’s off-limits to Winston despite his hypoallergenic, non-shedding fur
- And even mouse-jiggling duty, every 15 minutes so the boss thinks his owner’s online in his remote job. Hell, Winston is the only reason this bozo hasn’t been fired. And what thanks does he get? An occasional half-assed head scratch that doesn’t last nearly long enough.
At press time, Winston has stopped after mile 8 of an 18-mile run (10 miles at 10k pace). He is simply refusing to go any farther.
Statement
When reached for comment, Winston’s ignorant owner said:
“Who, Winston? Don’t be ridiculous! He’s never been better! Little buddy just needs to take a quick nap and he’ll be back at it in no time. There’s nothing that pooch loves more than putting his two paws in front of his other two paws at an elevated pace for several hours on end. Just like Bruce Springsteen — who dominates my running playlist — he was born to run!
But now that you mention it, I have noticed he’s not making the kind of weekly gains I’m expecting. I think we’ll start introducing some strength training a few times a week. Nothing too strenuous, likely the bench press and some pull ups, squats, and burpees. Oh, and perhaps a little tennis — that is, if I can get that rascal to stop chasing the balls!”
