Last week, there was a four-day stretch of unseasonably warm running weather throughout the east coast of the U.S. We’re talking high 60s and mid-70s °F in southern Virginia in January, when it’s typically in the 30’s and 40’s. This came as such a pleasant surprise amid challenging winter marathon training.
The following is the inner monologue rattling around The Size 15 Runner’s head during one of the uncommonly warm runs.
Natural causes
“Wow! It’s so warm out in January! What a wonderful natural occurrence in Virginia. There’s simply no denying that, I don’t care who you are. I wish we had even more of these unexpectedly warm days above 70 degrees during the height of the winter. It’d sure make marathon training much more enjoyable instead of suffering through frigid temps and blustery winds. I wonder if today’s shift in the atmosphere—this increase in temperature—is like this globally? It absolutely helps on a day when I’m doing a CO2 max—oops! I meant a VO2 max workout. Weird, I don’t know where the “C” came from.
This roadside sure seems to have a great variety of trash; I guess it’s acceptable to release my gel wrappers here. The county probably has one of those prison workforce programs where inmates pick up trash. Nice. Even with a trigger-happy police force and a sketchy mayor, my town is so progressive! I’ll make it easy for those poor guys and gently place the wrapper among existing clusters of trash. That way the wind won’t blow it away. Gosh, I’m really considerate. I truly don’t get enough credit for being so selfless.
Oh, would you look at that: a community greenhouse. Ha, what a hoax! You certainly don’t need to grow crops indoors on a hot, sunny day like today! The temperature is perfect and there’s enough sunlight for a whole field of crops to flourish. Furthermore, I’ve heard the gases these greenhouses release are quite problematic, to say the least. I’ve been saying for years, we should let nature take its natural course. If God wanted us to grow stuff indoors, he wouldn’t have gifted us with the outdoor Garden of Eden as a pledge of eternal life.
The most natural scent
Ugh, if only the foul smell of cow manure wasn’t infiltrating my nostrils on such a lovely day. Hey, farmers, here’s an idea: keep your cattle INDOORS. Stuff ‘em in there nice and tight like they do in chicken factory farms. Besides, they’re not birds: they don’t need space to spread wings, build a nest, or, you know, move their body. They’ve got it pretty cushy on farms with an endless food supply; I think a minor inconvenience would help them build character. They’ve become so dependent on humans for food, shelter, and community, and how do they reward us? By leaving steaming, smelly piles of feces for all to breathe in.
At least humans have the decency to do their “business” inside. I won’t even so much as pass gas while outside the confines of church, the office, grocery store, or anywhere. Even if I’m running and on the verge of shitting my pants! Ha, we’ve all been there before. And by “there” I mean not making it to the bathroom in time. It was only that one instance. Ok, twice. Fine, it’s been three times. But that was far more than a year ago.
Ah, there’s the coal power plant! Nothing like the good old smell of coal burning in the morning. It’s like cigar smoke mixed with metal—two of the manliest scents. I’d love to bottle up this fragrance and use it as my own musk—mental note: flesh out this new business idea. Ugh, I wish all my thoughts could be conveniently recorded. I should really start a podcast and share my opinions with the world!
It’s all natural
Hey, at least I’m doing my part by wearing carbon fiber plated running shoes. Just another way that I’m considerate. I can practically feel my carbon footprint decreasing with each stride in these shoes. Sure, I may buy more than a dozen pairs of shoes a year, but after 75 miles or so, I make sure to dispose of them in the trash instead of littering. Because it’d be weird to donate them. Outside of those with foot fetishes—hey, I’m not judging, Lord knows I’ve got my fair share of kinks—who would possibly want a pair of used running shoes?
However, there is one very big downside to this uncharacteristically warm running weather… I mean, it’s not a catastrophe, but…I’m emitting more sweat. Hoo, boy, it sure is humid out. And that sun is hot. I really must mitigate my sun exposure on a day like today. Forget sunscreen; fortunately, I’ve got my UPF-10 clothing keeping me protected. I really don’t think this pace is sustainable in this running weather. I’m gonna stop at this convenience store and get some water with electrolytes to renew my energy.
Alright, back on track! Yummy, this Gatorade is delicious, but it is filling! I can’t possibly be expected to stop again to throw it out. Hmm, but I don’t want to just drop it on the road as an obstacle for other runners. I’m not a monster! Oh, look, a trash can. Fire in the hole! [Launches the bottle toward the trash can next to the sidewalk. The bottle bangs off the rim of the can, and begins to roll onto the road] Eh, I’m sure the inmates will get it.”
Hate running in heavy rain, snow, and winds? Read how to enjoy running in the “triple threats of bad running weather.”
