Runners sure are picky about their shoes—and rightfully so. With several shoe models from many different brands at our feet, we’d be foolish not to build our running shoe rotation wisely. But how can we be sure what’s right for our feet, biomechanics, and ego? In an age with an increasing number of negative shoe reviews and bashing of the latest shoe releases at an all-time high, one running company is here to satisfy every runner’s needs—regardless of how annoyingly fussy we can be. And believe me, we runners are an insufferable bunch.
Without further ado, here is one running company’s movie trailer “shoe trailer” launching their newest shoe while pandering to every single runner.
[A single piano note plays]
IN A WORLD…
[Inception movie “BRAAAM” sound effect plays]
WHERE IT’S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND THE RIGHT PAIR OF RUNNING SHOES….
[“BRAAAM” sound effect plays again]
AND EVEN MORE DIFFICULT TO AFFORD THEM…
[“BRAAAM” sound effect plays yet again]
ONE MAN WILL BRING PEACE OF MIND—AND FEET—TO THE MASSES…
[A slowed gothic cover of Van Halen’s Runnin’ with the Devil begins to play]
From the twisted mind behind one of the worst running shoes ever created…
And that same questionable designer of another of the worst pairs ever created…
COMES A REVOLUTIONARY RUNNING SHOE PAIR…
NEARLY 20 DAYS IN THE MAKING!
“Next Summer…”
As the pace of running shoe innovation continues to accelerate…
We’ve been there for you every step of the way, dropping hit pair after hit pair.
YOU THOUGHT YOU’D SEEN IT ALL…
YOU WERE WRONG.
YOU WERE SO WRONG.
NEXT SUMMER…
FORGET EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT RUNNING SHOES!
[DUN, DUN, DUUUUN! sound effect plays]
ONE RUNNING COMPANY WILL DO THE UNTHINKABLE.
[“BRAAAM” sound effect plays]
THE UNIMAGINABLE.
[“BRAAAM” sound effect plays again]
THE UNPOSSIBLE. IMPOSSIBLE?
THE IMPOSSIBLE.
[“BRAAAM” sound effect plays yet again]
THE INNOVATION YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU NEEDED…
HAS ARRIVED…
RIGHT ON TIME…WITH A PR.
WE’RE SO VERY PROUD TO PRESENT…
“THE DYNAMIC DUO” — A PAIR OF TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT RUNNING SHOES!
[Record needle scratch sound effect plays. Music stops.]
YOU HEARD US RIGHT!
[Music resumes playing]
The shoe’s on the other foot
THE “DYNAMIC DUO” IS AN EXPERIENCE LIKE NO OTHER:
One shoe will have a high stack and the other will be extremely low to the ground. The left shoe is as firm as a rock and the right shoe as soft as a cloud. One has a drop of 2 mm and the other’s drop will be north of 12 mm. The right will have a plate and the left will be plate-less. Trail running enthusiasts, fear not: one of the two shoes has lugs.
WHO SAYS YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL?!
Actually, we should state that neither of the two shoes will have those moronic, useless pull tabs on the heel.
WHO SAYS YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL—EXCEPT FOR PULL TABS?!
YOU’LL NEVER HATE ANOTHER PAIR OF RUNNING SHOES AGAIN!
YOU’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER CLOSET!
Tell me more!
THIS ISN’T AN INFOMERCIAL…
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
The left shoe has an upper made of mesh and the right will have—you guessed it—a knit upper. One weighs upwards of 12 ounces and the other will be sub-7 oz. The right shoe has PEBA foam underfoot and the other EVA.
Don’t worry, each shoe in the pair will be the same color—WE’RE NOT INSANE!
You may not like both shoes, but one of the two is bound to suit your running shoe preferences! And one good shoe is better than two bad ones, right?!
WHY TWO DIFFERENT SHOES? WHY NOT?!
This still isn’t an infomercial, but with the “DYNAMIC DUO” you will:
- SPICE UP YOUR RUNNING SHOE ROTATION
- TURN HEADS…AND POSSIBLY YOUR ANKLES
- LOOK COOL. LIKE, REALLY COOL. LIKE, “FONZIE IN A LEATHER JACKET” COOL. AYYYYY!
YOU’RE WELCOME.
SHOE REVIEWERS ARE CALLING THE DYNAMIC DUO…
THE NUMBER ONE RUNNING SHOE PAIR—OF TWO DIFFERENT SHOES—IN AMERICA!
GET READY TO LAUGH…IN DISGUST.
GET READY TO CRY…IN PAIN.
GET READY TO RUN…ALSO IN PAIN…AND LIKELY AN INJURY.
BUT, WHATEVER YOU DO…
DON’T
[“BRAAAM” sound effect plays]
LOOK
[“BRAAAM” sound effect plays again]
UP
[“BRAAAM” sound effect plays yet again]
THE
[“BRAAAM” sound effect plays a final time]
PRICE!
[Music abruptly stops]
THE FUTURE IS HERE…in eight months on July 9!
THE FUTURE IS COMING SOON!
THE FUTURE IS COMING!
JUST BUY IT. ™
