Recognizing at long last that naming a running shoe after a devastating natural disaster is deeply problematic, Saucony announced its “Hurricane” model is renamed to “Earthquake” effective immediately.
D.A.R.E. Out: Schools Use Runner’s High as Drug-Free Strategy
After decades of research finding the D.A.R.E. Program actually encourages kids to experiment with drugs, schools are scrapping the program for a radical new method: “the runner’s high.”
Report: Straight White Male Runner Not Center of Universe
Chad thinks everyone’s impressed by his sub-3-hour marathon. In reality, everyone is far more underwhelmed by his sub-3-inch penis.
Report: “The Yips” Afflicting Runners at Alarming Rate
A shocking new report from Al Jazeera finds a disturbing number of runners developing a nasty case of “the yips” — the sudden and unexplained loss of skills typical to an athlete’s ability. Mr. Jazeera estimates a total of three runners each year simply forget how to run, and no amount of trying to remember will help them regain the ability to place one foot in front of the other at a slightly accelerated pace.
Boston Marathon Renames Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill”
The name change is an effort to downplay the severity and evil nature of the hill by spinning it into something to look forward to instead of absolutely dreading. The rebrand coincides with several controversial changes to the marathon.
Brooks Scraps Carbon Neutral Commitment; Will Emit More CO2
Brooks Running was mighty proud to announce today a commitment to increase carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gas emissions by making all their footwear carbon negative—not carbon neutral—effective immediately. The Seattle-based company is now fully devoted to producing shoes that are less sustainable, more environmentally unfriendly, and much more toxic to planet Earth.