In the latest foolproof Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) initiative, Vice President JD Vance has launched his “F*ck a Couch to 5K” program.
Tracksmith Sells Singlet for “Losers” Failing to Qualify for Boston
Today, Tracksmith was proud to introduce an exclusive singlet, reserved for the “underachievers” who tried—and failed—to qualify for the 2026 Boston Marathon.
Gregory Desperately Trying to Outrun “The Runs” Mid-Run
With no restroom, porta-potty, woods, or hole in the ground within a 3-mile vicinity, Gregory Bachman III is absolutely terrified he’s gonna shit his pants before making it home from running.
Road Runner Transitions to Trail Runner—Not Everyone Is an Ally
Discovering that running on dirt feels far more natural than asphalt, Kendall Parker has transitioned from a road runner to a trail runner — finally becoming who she was always meant to be.
Mattel Bows to Trump’s Demands With Homoerotic Runner Ken Doll
Today, Mattel introduced a “Runner Ken” doll to settle President Trump’s frivolous lawsuit over the “feminazi” Barbie film—more than two whole years after its release. The Ken doll comes in …
Luis Swears He’ll Run Tomorrow—Same Lie as Yesterday
After once again breaking his promise (to himself) to run today — as he has each day the past two weeks — Luis Ortiz swears he’s actually going running tomorrow. There’s only one problem. Luis has expressed the exact same sentiment the past 10 consecutive days. But this time, he really means it — a sentiment he’s expressed the past 5 consecutive days.