Ever wanted to win money off failures of those you know best, instead of continually losing money on the successes of professional athletes you’ve never met? FanDuel seems to think so. Today, the sports gambling operator announced depraved individuals can now wager on a wide range of bets involving amateur runners nearest and dearest to them.
FanDuel understands runners’ friends, family, and colleagues have no desire whatsoever to hear about race recaps, PRs, or energy gels. But by introducing betting to the sport, they’re given a financial stake in the outcome. With money on the line, they finally have a reason to care about the runners in their lives—as well as energy gel flavors at aid stations, which you can wager on.
FanDuel outlined the betting possibilities in a press release:
- Do you possess unwavering faith your smug best friend will suffer a stress fracture before year’s end?
- Are you steadfast in the belief your portly 5th grade daughter will finish dead last at her cross-country meet?
- Would you bet your life—and $1,000— that your timid wife won’t reach the finish line of her first marathon next Sunday?
- Severely doubt your perpetually underachieving, acne-ridden son will qualify for the Boston Marathon?
- Are you taking the over or under on two more months of your lazy-ass husband taking a break from running and parking his fat ass on the couch after clocking out?
- Will your pitiful co-worker Janice ever venture out on a run that’s longer than three miles?
Only with FanDuel can you place a bet on any and all of these scenarios, and many more. Don’t worry, FanDuel assures: Loved ones will never know you’re both praying for and preying on their downfall.
FanDuel Statement
A FanDuel spokesperson issued a statement with the release:
“What’s you’re seeing with this expansion is a surefire way to introduce the toxic masculinity and fake camaraderie of sports betting to the sport of running. We truly believe this move won’t annihilate relationships or trigger death threats on civilian runners’ lives.
Much like pleasuring oneself to questionable genres of pornography, betting on sports is addicting. The rollercoaster ride of thinking you’re about to win big, only to end up losing thousands with a kicker’s miss of an easy field goal is unmatched. We wanted to infuse that same excitement and energy into the boring sport of running. Lord knows it needs it, now, more than ever.
Occasionally we’ll let you win, like, 20 bucks, because that’s enough to instill false hope, so you’ll keep coming back for more. Chasing tail is fun and all, but there is really nothing quite like chasing your gambling losses. It’s an exhilarating feeling. Plus, the further you fall into the hole, the bigger your eventual comeback story will be.”
Despite generating $5.79 billion revenue in 2024—a 19.6% increase on the previous year—and a core profit jump of 54% to $400 million during Q2 2025, FanDuel is more determined than ever to swindle even more naïve bettors and achieve financial success off the failures of average, ordinary, everyday runners.
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