After decades of overwhelming, indisputable research finding American schools’ use of the Drug Abuse Resistance Education Program (D.A.R.E.) is not effective in the slightest — and in some cases, actually encourages children to experiment with drugs and alcohol — the U.S. Department of Education is scrapping the program for a radical new educational strategy: “the runner’s high.”
Based on the same premise that teaching safe sex practices is more productive than promoting abstinence, American schools will no longer be discouraging students from getting high. Instead, educators will utilize the runner’s high method to inspire youngsters to get “lifted” from a healthier source.
What’s the runner’s high?
The runner’s high is described as a deeply euphoric state following the act of running. Contrary to popular belief, the runner’s high is not caused by endorphins. According to Dr. David J. Linden, professor of neuroscience at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, that relaxed post-run feeling may instead be due to endocannabinoids — biochemical substances similar to cannabis but naturally produced by the body. Ouch — that’ll come as quite the blow to Saucony and its Endorphin shoes.
School administrations around the country are hoping the runner’s high will serve as a substitute for students injecting, snorting, chugging, smoking, swallowing, inserting strawberry-schnaps-soaked tampons, slurping tequila belly button shots, vodka eyeballing, absorbing through the anus, and every other method of entering an orifice with an illicit substance.
To achieve the runner’s high, adolescents will inhale pure, unadulterated 100% grade A air into their lungs, and oxygen from the air moves to the blood. Then, they’ll exhale some pure, unadulterated, 100% grade A carbon dioxide, a waste gas, which moves from their blood to the lungs. This process, called gas exchange, is essential to life, as students learn in science class.
Sure, they also inhale plenty of carbon dioxide from the burning of fossil fuels in the air, but there’s no need to pay any attention to that.
Limitations
Of course, it should be noted the runner’s high is no panacea for drug abuse prevention. Educators will have to contend with quite a few limitations within the flawed runner’s high methodology.
First and foremost, not everyone who runs is guaranteed to get high off the runner’s high. In fact, for many, running has the opposite effect; they feel much worse afterwards. That would help explain why Brooks abandoned its slogan of “run happy.”
What’s more, if we’re being entirely honest, no one’s entirely sure how the runner’s high entirely works. Quite frankly, no one’s entirely sure if it’s even a real thing or if it’s entirely in some runners’ heads.
Additionally, it goes without saying, the runner’s high isn’t remotely the same experience as getting faded by unlawful drugs. Not even close. The real high off illegal drugs is the runner’s high on steroids…on crack. Getting stoned from prohibited drugs feels so much better and lasts way longer. Plus, it’s considerably more addictive than the runner’s high, so it keeps kiddos coming back for more, unlike running, which isn’t even a real sport.
Furthermore, the runner’s high is the only high that requires exercise. With outlawed drugs, kids rest comfortably on the couch and let the foreign substances do all the work for them while they escape reality for several hours and wake up face down on the floor with no memory of how they got there.
Perhaps most damning, the runner’s high is the only high that discriminates based on one’s DNA and genetic makeup. So much for diversity, equity, and inclusion.
Statement
The Department of Education took to Twitter in an effort to introduce the runner’s high to the youth of America:
“Yo lil shawties! Sup? Y’all wanna get zooted?! We’ll hook ya homies up wit somethin that’s even sicker than dope…and so much doper! And, check dis shit out: dis shit is street legal and totes off the chain! What if we told y’all, y’all could get wasted…off life?!
Fo sho! We’ll take y’all on the illest trip y’all ever had without puttin’ nothin’ in dat body. Wit da runna’s high, y’all be swag surfin’, up, up, and away and flyin high—or, should we say, RUNNIN high in no time!”
