Chad thinks everyone’s impressed by his sub-3-hour marathon. In reality, everyone is far more underwhelmed by his sub-3-inch penis.
Report: “The Yips” Afflicting Runners at Alarming Rate
A shocking new report from Al Jazeera finds a disturbing number of runners developing a nasty case of “the yips” — the sudden and unexplained loss of skills typical to an athlete’s ability. Mr. Jazeera estimates a total of three runners each year simply forget how to run, and no amount of trying to remember will help them regain the ability to place one foot in front of the other at a slightly accelerated pace.
Boston Marathon Renames Heartbreak Hill to “One Big Beautiful Hill”
The name change is an effort to downplay the severity and evil nature of the hill by spinning it into something to look forward to instead of absolutely dreading. The rebrand coincides with several controversial changes to the marathon.
Company Scraps Carbon Neutral Commitment; Will Emit More CO2
Today, one running company was mighty proud to announce a commitment to increase carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gas emissions by making all their footwear carbon negative—not carbon neutral—effective immediately. They’re now fully devoted to producing shoes that are less sustainable, more environmentally unfriendly, and much more toxic to planet Earth.
Saucony Partners with Duolingo to Educate Runners on ‘Saucony’ Pronunciation
The collaboration comes on the heels of over a century of folks wildly mispronouncing Saucony’s tough name. Saucony has heard it all over the years: Sauce-ony, Soo-cony, Sow-cony, so-cony, you name it—except, no one can quite seem to name it correctly.
Nike Launches Highly Anticipated Betafly Shoe for Cucks
Nike is thrilled to unveil the new Betafly shoe today, the latest addition to Nike’s race day shoe collection and yet another shoe ending in “fly.”