There’s nothing more exciting in life for runners than a great update to an already great running shoe. Unfortunately, one of the running shoe companies is here today to present a terrible update to a great shoe. With this edition, the pair went from awesome to atrocious. But it’s still a new shoe, after all! And nothing beats new shoes! Right? Ready to discover your new least favorite shoe?
The wait is over! It’s finally here. The update to our flagship daily trainer that nobody asked for has arrived….and not a moment too soon…..or late. Sure, there were many delays and we had to push back the release date several times, but there’s no time like the present. Shit, now the present has become the past. How do we stop time? What is time, anyway? Does it actually exist? Time is just a flat circle, isn’t it? Umm, where were we?
Oh right, the update you didn’t know you needed…is HERE. Ready to feel the magic? Well, a good magician never reveals his secrets, but us shoe wizards will gladly let you in on the secret: WE MADE THE SHOE WORSE. That’s right, this is one update you do want to miss.
With a complete renovation of our beloved daily trainer, we simply had to change the name, too. Trust us, you won’t even recognize the shoe from the previous edition. Ready for the unveiling? Today we’re so very proud to introduce “The Atrocity.” Your new least favorite running shoe.
Midsole
Instead of adding MORE of our excellent foam underfoot, we removed 10 mm of it, oh and we tinkered with the midsole formula for a less responsive and more clunky ride. But that’s not all! It’s the very first running shoe with a negative drop! You heard us right! The forefoot is taller than the heel! Mind blown yet? Just wait until you hear what we did with the upper.
Upper
Instead of improving the upper fit, we made it practically insufferable to wear. Itchy? Check! Chafey? Check! Blisters, bleeding, and bunions? Check, check, and yep, you guessed it—check! And you can forget about a secure foot lockdown—your foot will be swimming around inside the shoe all…run…long. The laces are too long, the tongue is too short, and the heel counter…well, let’s just say the heel counter is non-existent. That’s right, there’s simply no heel counter. Innovation at its finest!
Weight
The shoe didn’t shed any weight, instead it gained a whole 3 full ounces! Because we’re dedicated to providing you with more bang for your buck. Of course, this shoe is a lot more expensive than just a buck, but we’ll save the price for the end. With all these godawful updates, you just knew the price absolutely had to increase—and the weight, but we were already up front about that. What can we say? It’s simply the cost of innovation.
Outsole
Instead of improving the outsole traction, we smoothened it so that the bottom of the shoe feels just like a baby’s bottom. Weird comparison? Possibly. Let’s move on, but before we do, we should mention that the smoother outsole also comes at another cost: it’s got even less durability. Forget 300-500 miles, think 30-50 miles instead.
Looks
Forget the stunning, eye-catching design of the shoe you all know and love. We designed The Atrocity to be the ugliest, most repulsive-looking running shoe on the market. Now you’ll rightfully stand out on the roads for all the wrong reasons! And our brand will stand out among all the other running shoe companies due to sheer hideousness. That’s just smart business.
Price
Despite using worse materials, to compensate for all these terrible updates, we simply had to raise the price 10 dollars. Don’t blame us, blame the supply chain. And the internet. And politics. Also, the economy. Supply and demand, baby, that’s Econ 101. Plus, it’s only 10 more dollars! If you can’t afford to cough up another Alexander Hamilton bill, then you don’t deserve to buy our shoes. He was never even president!
Purchase today
So, what are you waiting for? Purchase The Atrocity today—not online because we’re not selling this shoe on the Internet. You have to physically go into one of our stores to purchase it. How’s that for a marketing strategy?! Don’t worry, we won’t accept any returns, even for unworn pairs. Which also means no refunds, even for defective pairs. And since we rushed this shoe to market, there will be plenty of defective pairs out there. Just think of it like finding one of Willy Wonka’s Golden Tickets. Except, instead of winning a trip to some creep’s chocolate factory, you lose by buying a shitty shoe.
What about customer satisfaction, you ask? Customer service is so 2023, we answer. We’ve made the rather easy decision to lay off hundreds of our customer support staff. We’re so confident in our products, we know that no one will need assistance. We let our products speak for themselves, and they’re talking up a storm on the roads.
Why did we make this update? Well, with the economy in shambles, we had no other choice. We simply had to cut back on costs in every aspect of the shoe, while raising the price to compensate for an inferior product.
Oh, and don’t even think about stocking up on last year’s model. We went to such great lengths to remove all of last year’s stellar pairs online and in stores across the globe, forcing you to buy this more expensive and more shitty shoe. What can we say, we’re extremely dedicated to our craft, unlike other running shoe companies. Now, prove your dedication to us by purchasing The Atrocity today—remember, not online, but in stores. Unless you’re not a serious runner?
