Working in the running industry can be brutal. It’s tough to compete with big running brands like HOKA, Adidas, and Saucony, to name a few. Fed up with not receiving nearly as much booth traffic at The Running Event as any running shoe company, one nutrition company held a brainstorming meeting on how they can attract more people to their booth next year.
Jealousy isn’t a good look
Vincent: God, can you believe how the retailers all flocked to the running shoe company booths at The Running Event?
Chad: It’s like high school and the shoe brands are the popular kids.
Tanner: And we’re the geeks.
Chad: Newsflash: they won’t give you free shoes like they do to the lame media.
Vincent: Ugh, I hate the media. Especially bloggers. Bunch of hacks.
Chad: Bloggers don’t belong at The Running Event.
Tanner: Maybe we start making running shoes? Look at Tracksmith—all we need is one pair! How hard could it be? You’ve got the the top of the shoe, the middle, and the bottom—there’s only three parts!
Chad: He’s not wrong. With how processed our stuff is, we’ve got far more than three ingredients in our gels and drink mixes. Hell, I can’t even pronounce half of them.
Tanner: Yeah, and we flat-out lie about having electricities.
Chad: You mean electrolytes?
Vincent: Look, we’re a nutrition company. We don’t even make apparel. Remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. That’s why what we make is designed to go inside the body, not on the outside.
Tanner: Yeah, the eye of the beholder and all that.
Chad: Huh?
Comparison is the thief of joy
Vincent: How can we compete with the Nikes, Altras, and ASICS-s? ASICSi? What’s the plural of ASICS?
Tanner: But you just said we’re not an apparel or shoe brand. They’re not competitors.
Chad: Let’s see. According to Thesaurus.com, you can add an apostrophe and an “s” or just add an apostrophe after the “s” of the word.
Vincent: No, that’s making words ending in “s” possessive. We’re talking about making words plural. It would be “ASICSs.”
Chad: Don’t forget about the Sauconys, Topos, and Brooks—oh no, it’s another word ending in “s”. I just closed the tab on my laptop. Remind me how we handle the plural of a word ending in “s”?
Tanner: You can add an apostrophe and an “s” or just add an apostrophe after the “s” of the word.
Vincent: Hey, Schoolhouse Rock! Forget your stupid grammar lessons! We’re focusing on the business here.
Chad: God, Schoolhouse Rock was a great show.
Vincent: It really was.
Tanner: I’m more of a Magic School Bus guy. You fellas ever see the “Inside Ralphie” episode where they travel inside him to determine his illness? Powerful stuff!
Chad: That show is about science, not grammar.
Tanner: That would explain why I’m illiterate!
[everyone laughs]
Tanner: No, really. I can’t read or write…
Vincent and Chad: [Laugh again] You’re hilarious!
Tanner: I got Christopher Rock and David Chapelle to thank for that!
Chad: Careful—our white asses can’t quote that material. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Tanner: Well, if I get in trouble, maybe I’d be excused from this lame meeting!
Vincent: Fine, then. Get out!
Tanner: What? I was just joking.
Vincent: You’re a joke! Leave the room and wait outside.
Tanner: Jeez. You’ve gotten soft.
[Tanner leaves conference room]
Branding is everything
Vincent: Where were we?
Chad: We hadn’t gotten anywhere. [laughs]
Vincent: You want to leave the room, too?
Chad: No, sir. Sorry, sir.
Vincent: Think! What will make retailers visit us at The Running Event?
Chad: Carbon plates, super foams, breathable uppers, outsoles with good traction, and, uh, pull tabs? People love those moronic little things!
Vincent: That’s it, get out!
Chad: What?! Fine, I take it back, pull tabs aren’t useless and asinine!
Vincent: For the last time, we’re not a running shoe company! We do nutrition, and we do it just fine! We’re not great but that’s ok. We’re not even good, but who cares? Leave the room; tell Tanner to come back.
Chad: Sheesh. Everybody’s so sensitive nowadays.
[Chad leaves the room; Tanner returns]
Vincent: Any ideas?
Tanner: It’s all about branding.
Vincent: Yes…and?
Tanner: A brand is more than a logo.
Vincent: Exactly!
Tanner: It’s also our fonts and colors.
Vincent: Sure, go on.
Tanner: [browsing online] Ok, brand is thee i-dan-ty and sh-oree of a com-compenemy dat m-man-mazes, sanding out froom com-comp-competences.
Vincent: What?!
Tanner: That’s what it says here on my screen!
Vincent: Let me see. [snatches Tanner’s laptop]
Vincent: “A brand is the identity and story of a company that makes it stand out from competitors.” Can you read?
Tanner: I told you—
[Chad knocks on conference room door]
Chad: [from outside door] Can I come back in?
Vincent: Tanner, how did you get hired here?
Tanner: I’m white?
Chad: [from outside door] And straight!
Vincent: And male. Checks out. Well, sorry the public school system failed you.
Tanner: Nah, I went to private boarding school with tuition and everything.
Chad: I’m coming back in.
Vincent: Whatever.
Politically incorrect
Chad: From what I overheard, we need an identity and story.
Tanner: Seems simple enough. The hallmarks of any good superhero.
Vincent: Yes! Now we’re cooking with gas!
Chad: Umm, hate to be the PC police, but gas stoves have come under fire recently because of environmental concerns. Might want to rethink using that offensive phrase.
Tanner: It’s true, heard Florida is trying to ban them to fight the changing climate—hopefully to cancel “cancel culture.”
Chad: You mean California.
Tanner: What’d I say?
Chad: Florida.
Tanner: Yeah, the Disney one.
Chad: California and Florida both have Disney parks.
Tanner: What’s the one that “Florida Man” is suing?
Vincent: In a minute, I’m going to ban both of you from this room, effective immediately! Focus!
[The guys act like they’re brainstorming. Truthfully, they’re thinking about sex.]
Vincent: I’ve got it! What kind of story do people crave?
Chad: Anything with sex.
Tanner: Yeah, sex is hot.
Vincent: Yes, but also an underdog story! What better way to earn people’s trust and admiration than by positioning us as the “David” vs the running brand “Goliaths?!”
Chad: But we’re a publicly traded company comprised of straight white dudes.
Tanner: Yeah, a trust fund kid owns the company.
Vincent: But the public doesn’t have to know! It’s about telling a story!
Chad: People love stories!
Vincent: Especially fictional ones!
Tanner: Oh, I adore stories! Someone must read ‘em to me, though. And they must have pictures.
Vincent: Alright, so, our company faced many obstacles getting established—discrimination, nationalism, terrorism, what else?
Chad: The bank wouldn’t give us a loan!
Tanner: That’s because our owner is a trust fund baby. We didn’t even need to ask for a loan.
Vincent: Nope, Chad’s right. It’s more compelling if we were denied a loan because of our ethnicity.
Nothing is free
Tanner: What if we just offered free samples at The Running Event?
Vincent: Are you crazy? We can’t give our product away for free!
Chad: Yeah, that’s just dumb.
Tanner: But why are we the only nutrition company who doesn’t do samples?
Vincent: Because they don’t lead to new business. Sure, more people may walk up to our booth at The Running Event, but they have no interest in doing business with us. And yes, they may say “hi” and introduce themselves, but that’s simply to justify them robbing us blind. And they may state they want to carry our product in their stores, but it’s all hogwash. They even may create a purchase order for us, but they’ll just cancel it later.
Chad: How do you know if we’ve never tried?
Vincent: I’ve done my own research.
Tanner: Oh, ok cool. Gosh, you’re so smart doing research on your own.
Chad: That’s why he’s the boss!
Vincent: And don’t you forget it, boys!
Chad: You’re the man!
Vincent: I sure am. Now, where were we?
Tanner: We’re the oppressed little guy.
Vincent: Yes! And you know what? Let’s create our first running shoe! Look at Tracksmith—all we need is one pair! How hard could it be? You’ve got the top of the shoe, the middle, and the bottom—there’s only three parts!
Tanner: But I already said that exact—actually, never mind. You’re so right!
Vincent: I know. I did my own research and determined it’s smart.
Chad: What about the whole “It’s what’s on the inside that counts” thing?
Vincent: Oh, that was all bullshit.
