I’ve been known to make some wild comparisons between running and life. Fear not, I’m here today to make yet another one. Recently, I found myself eagerly anticipating the release of a new album from one of my favorite artists. It got me thinking about how the wait for the release feels eerily similar to the drop of a pair of new running shoes. So, without further ado, here are the top five reasons why the release of an exciting pair of new running shoes is just like the drop of an album from a favorite artist.
1. Both can have a questionable name
Let’s start with the most obvious and perhaps least important component of a running shoe and album: the name.
Unfortunately, running shoe names are only getting more ridiculous and long. You’ve got the Adidas Adizero Prime X Strung, Puma Fast-R Nitro Elite, and Skechers GO RUN Max Road, to mention a few absurdly misnamed shoes. Those names don’t even include the version numbers! I miss the days when running shoes were called by just one word. Thankfully, OGs like the Brooks Ghost, Saucony Triumph, and HOKA Clifton are still making imprints with runners’ footprints. Nice try, ASICS—hyphenated names like Gel-Nimbus and Gel-Cumulus don’t count as one word in my shoe book.
I’m not sure I’ve ever liked an album name by any artist. They could have named their project anything, but Fall Out Boy tried—and failed—to brag with Fall Out Boy’s Evening Out with Your Girlfriend, Will Smith unfortunately flashed his Big Willie Style, and Barbara Streisand needlessly reminded everyone of her name, not once, but twice with My Name is Barbra and, wait for it, My Name is Barbra II. Truly riveting stuff. She even misspelled her name…twice; everyone knows it’s spelled Barbara. Surely, those underwhelming artists could have done better than those underwhelming titles.
The worst is when an artist names their album after one of the songs. What they’re essentially saying is, “This is the best, most important song on the album, and all the other tracks are inferior and not worth listening to.” Done and done!
“The poor supply chain—it’s essentially become the internet: few know how it actually works, and it’s apparently to blame for all the world’s problems.”
2. Both can suffer from a delay
They say good things come to those who wait, but when it comes to the delayed release of new running shoes and albums, it only leads to the worst possible things. When the late shoes and LPs finally do drop, they fall flat on the roads and charts because both were built up to Such Great Heights that when The Postal Service delivers them to our doorstep, they can’t possibly meet our expectations. No hyped shoe or album has ever met anyone’s hopes. Nike’s much-anticipated Alphafly 2 was actually a downgrade, failing to capture the magic of the beloved first edition. And in the music sphere, Dr. Dre was smart to never release Detox, after a 13-year will-he-won’t-he period.
They’ll blame delays on the supply chain or sample clearance issues, but we all know they didn’t check all the necessary boxes before they were boxed for shipment. Measure twice and cut once isn’t reserved just for carpentry or construction. The poor supply chain—it’s essentially become the internet: few know how it actually works, and it’s apparently to blame for all the world’s problems.
3. Both make a fashion statement
As someone who refuses to watch music videos for fear of them altering my own (definitely unique) vision of a song, I have only the visual of the album artwork to associate with a piece of music. Nine times out of ten, the imagery is as disappointing as the obnoxious colorways and knit upper (Why not go with mesh?) on that running shoe.
“The Asics Noosa Tri is trying to make a statement with its absolutely bonkers colorways, but they should rescind their declaration immediately and issue an apology ASAP.”
I could run through some of the more lamentable album artwork over the years like I did with album titles, but it’s not easy to write about visuals without showing them. Fine, I’ll give you one: As professional sleaze Chris Brown does with every album, he tried to appear edgy and cool on the cover of 2009’s Graffiti. The result was as unprovocative and lame as imaginable: He’s apparently on a spaceship, dressed in a 10-year-old, prepubescent boy’s idea of an interstellar costume, holding a guitar behind his head with one arm, as he uses his other (mechanical!) arm to spray paint the word, you guessed it, Graffiti, above the heads of animated creatures that look like they were plucked straight from a direct-to-video remake of Space Jam. I’d show the artwork, but I don’t want to corrupt my pristine site with garbage. Just Google it.
“Don’t even get me started on the Vibram FiveFingers barefoot running craze. I wouldn’t wish those monstrosities on the feet of my worst enemy.”
As for new running shoes, beauty is in the eye of the shoe holder, and if a pair is ugly, I simply won’t purchase it, no matter how well-reviewed. That goes for the colors, heel architecture, and upper design (including useless pull tabs). The outsole is irrelevant, you can’t see it while you’re running. I’ll take a standard black-and-white pair over an all-grey or aquamarine catastrophe any day of the running week.
I get that the Asics Noosa Tri is trying to make a statement with its absolutely bonkers colorways, but they should rescind their declaration immediately and issue an apology ASAP. And I’m aware the Brooks Addiction Walker is made for walking, but, man, I wouldn’t let those things walk all over anyone or anything. Oh, and remember the HOKA TenNine? Of course you do, it’s that trail “shoe” with the monumentally gigantic and laughable heel. What exactly were the designers overcompensating for? And don’t even get me started on the Vibram FiveFingers barefoot running craze. I wouldn’t wish those monstrosities on the feet of my worst enemy.
4. Both have a tour
If you’re lucky enough to live close to a notable city, you just might be able to catch your favorite artist on stage…and be severely disappointed by how they sound live. Some things are better left unsaid; unfortunately you heard them sing, and you’re never going to be able to get that horrible voice out of your head. Can you ever listen to them the same way after that experience? That’s a rhetorical question. Hey, at least they weren’t lip-syncing like Milli Vanilli.
Alternatively, you can embark on your own worldwide tour by running in a pair of shoes through urban streets, country roads, and forest trails. Ok, maybe it’s just a citywide tour. Regardless, just like rockstars, you’re running through crowds…of pedestrians buried in their phones, posing for Instagram photos (Please, no more shots of your calves flexing), and cutting your running “tours” short for no reason.
5. Both have a shelf life
After a few spins of an album and a few spins around the block with new running shoes, the novelty starts to wear off.
Theoretically, all albums are timeless. Realistically, most albums become antiquated after a few years, especially if you’re Kanye West whose albums are now tainted by everything that comes out of his mouth, whether he’s rapping, auto-tuning, talking, or tweeting. At least he never forced an album onto our phones and laptops like U2 did with 2014’s Songs of Innocence. Ironic, because listeners of that abomination found the Irish band guilty of treason. Chalk it up to monochromatic production, repetitive and regrettable lyrics, or the release of an artist’s next album (that’s sure to disappoint), but albums don’t last very long in my rotation.
Speaking of rotation, my galactic orbit of running shoes rotates for anywhere from 300-500 miles around the neighborhood before it’s time to put them back on the shelf to take up much-needed space in my overcrowded closet. Of course, not every shoe reaches that threshold. Judging by the way some shoes feel after the first run, they’re lucky to get 30 miles, never mind 300. And then there are the new running shoes that are only designed to last 30 miles: I’m looking at you, the $500 Adidas Adizero Adios Pro Evo. I’m afraid that not even I, a guy with nearly 30 pairs, can justify that one.
As you can see, new albums and new running shoes have more in common than meets the ears and feet. So, time to lace up those new running shoes and press play on that new album as you hit the road for a run. Which of the two will be more disappointing? Why not both?
